


Snippets of Hope

by Soojinie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Mention of attempted suicide, PTSD, Skinny!Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25618759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soojinie/pseuds/Soojinie
Summary: Bucky came home from War a changed man. With no urge to move forward, but no ability to go back, he must find a way to see himself as the man he always was despite what happened to him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 48





	1. Breathe

_Just concentrate._

_Just breath._

_It’s okay, we’re okay, this is fine, nothing’s wrong, it’s okay, we’re okay, this is fine, nothing’s wrong, it’s okay, we’re okay, this is fine, nothing’s wrong,it’sokay,thisisfine,nothing’swro-._

“James!”

Jolting, Bucky’s knee hit the table in front of him making it bounce and slide across the old linoleum floor with a racket.

“Shit!”

Standing and scrambling for a few napkins, he sopped up the portion of his soup that had gone on to the table while attempting to take a deep breath. He could feel his head starting to pound, he was spiraling, and he could only hope that he did not start hyperventilating.

“Dude ... Bucky, Buck, look at me man, look up. Forget about the soup, sit down.”

Lifting his head felt like a Herculean feat, but sitting down was even worse. Hair in his face, in his eyes, he felt like he was being sucked down, down, down…

“I’m here with you, it’s alright man. You’re safe.”

Glancing up, Bucky stared at Clint’s concerned face and could not help but to frown. His lips felt like they were starting to pucker, his face felt like tv static, he could feel the tears forming at the corners of his eyes, and there was not enough air.

“What can I do to help?”

Bucky felt sluggish, his eyelids blinking once, twice, before just staying shut. It was easier, not keeping his eyes open, and yet the back of his eyelids held no solace for him either. He tried to remember what Sam told him, what his friends told him, what his grandma told him, but his brain felt like it had been put through a blender.

_It’s okay, we’re okay, this is fine, nothing’s wrong. It’s okay, we’re okay, this is fine-._

Pressure on his legs made Bucky open his eyes, and he was left looking into the one good eye of Clint’s hearing dog Lucky. The dog seemed hellbent on putting his paws on Bucky’s legs, and he pressed forward trying his best to crawl into Bucky’s lap.

As if on autopilot, Bucky lifted both arms to reach and cradle the Labrador Retriever’s face, but he was instantly reminded of his predicament when only one hand touched the dog’s soft face.

He only had one hand.

This was his new reality, transhumeral amputation, and he could only guess as to how long he would live his life with the feeling of a limb that was no longer there.

Bucky vaguely remembered waking up after surgery. The surgeon had been kind, she told him that they had saved as much of his arm as they could, but even then he had lost everything below the elbow.

His memories from back then were foggy, wiped away by depression and anxiety, but he would never forget how kind Dr. Prajay had been.

“Bucky?”

Blinking, Bucky took a deep breath pulling Lucky closer to himself with his good arm as the dog got situated in his lap.

“Sorry, yeah, yes, I’m here.”

Clearing his throat, Bucky grabbed a fistful of Lucky’s fur before letting go and gently petting him with long strokes.

“You wanna talk about it man? You haven’t done that in a while .”

Taking another deep breath, Bucky let it out slowly before motioning for Lucky to get back down on the ground. The dog was quick to oblige, but immediately turned around once he was down to put his head back in Bucky’s lap in perfect reach of his right hand.

Looking up as he pat the dog gently, Bucky shrugged not really knowing what to say.

“I’m just… Today just hasn’t been a good day for me.”

Nodding his head at Bucky’s words, Clint reached across the table to collect the wet napkins before expertly lobbing the damp wad into the nearby trash can. Checking the table for residual soup and finding none, he picked up his coffee mug and took a long sip.

“Hey man , that’s fine. We all have bad days.”

Bucky liked Clint for numerous reasons. His laid-back personality and general slobbish nature was a far cry from the army, his quick wit and sarcasm was oftentimes hilarious, and he just generally had a calming effect on the people around him. Plus, not only did Clint have the best dog ever, but his superior eyesight made Bucky feel a lot better knowing someone was properly watching his back when he decided to go out.

“You didn’t splash the matzo balls out at least, so there’s that. Eat your soup man, I won’t say it’ll make you feel better, but it definitely won’t hurt.”

Whistling, Clint called Lucky back to sit at his feet, and the dog followed his owner’s command without hesitation.

Bucky wished that Clint would let Lucky sit at his feet instead.

“Listen, I know I’ve brought this up before, but I really think you should reconsider getting a service dog. Matilda, the gal I went to to train Lucky, she’s got this dog. I’m telling you, he’d be perfect for you. He’s this like, German Shepherd Border Collie mix. Real beautiful. Strong, silent type, and likes herding things around. I think you’d suit each other. Look…”

Bucky was focused on cutting what he could of the matzo balls with his spoon without tipping the bowl, but he glanced up when Clint pushed his phone in front of Bucky’s face.

“I’m not saying you have to jump in and commit right now, but you say yes and I could call Matilda right now and have her bring Cap over tomorrow for a trial run. What do you say?”

“The dog’s name is Cap?”

Swiping through a few pictures of the dog until he reached the last picture which showed Cap and Lucky together, Bucky gave Clint his phone back before carefully getting back to his soup.

“Well, technically speaking, the dog’s name is Captain Crunch.”

Nearly spitting out his soup, Bucky cracked a smile noticing that Clint and even Lucky turned to look at him, seeming to wear smiles of their own.

“Captain Crunch huh? Not sure how I feel about a dog outranking me.”

Leaning back in his chair, Bucky rubbed the stubble on his chin in thought. He liked dogs, loved them really, and his family had a dog while he was growing up, why not get a dog now? Especially one that could help him out. 

Honestly, this was far from the first time Clint had brought this offer to the table. In the months since he returned from active duty a completely changed man, Clint had suggested Bucky get a service dog. Bucky had even almost gone through with it a few times, he had a dog bowl and leash and everything, but every time he thought to commit he felt incredibly stupid. How was a one-armed man supposed to take care of a dog?

“You’re grinding your jaw in that way that tells me you’re about to cave. Come on Buck, what could it hurt? You love Lucky, and I feel like he helps you just about as much as he helps me when we’re together. One day, just a trial run. If it’s not your thing I won’t bring it up again.”

Clint leaned forward nearly across the table, and Bucky tried not to lean back. Slowly, he unclenched his jaw in order not to give himself the headache he could feel forming.

“I… yeah, sure, call her up I guess.”

Nearly knocking into the table in excitement, Clint gave a little victory dance before going through his phone contacts.

“You won’t regret this! I’m telling you, this dog and you were _made_ for each other.”

Chuckling, Bucky just shrugged going back to his soup.


	2. Wake Up

Bucky had not had a need for an alarm clock in ages.

After years of being in the Army, years of getting up before his squad to make sure that no one was late or dragging their ass, his body always wakes him up with a deep inhale of breath at the same time.

He could not help but to feel happy that at least, for once, he did not see the desert in his dreams.

Taking a moment to himself, his eyes flicked to the window where the sun was just starting to tinge the world around it in a soft glow. The sun would no doubt start blinding him soon, and the noise from the world around him would get busy and overwhelming as well, but in this moment he was at peace.

Taking another deep breath, he recited the words he had said every morning for as long as he could remember before rolling awkwardly to his right and getting up to walk to his bathroom to wash and get ready for the day. He used to sleep on his left side every night, but he had to force himself to sleep on his back or his right side so he would not wake up in the middle of the night in pain.

Once he completed his morning rituals and fought his way into a pair of fashionable sweats and shirt, he could not help but stand in his bedroom doorway looking at the state of his apartment disgusted with himself.

Bucky had been offered a prothesis after he got home, after everything that had happened, but he turned it down. He was not sure if he would ever feel whole, but he knew for sure that using a prothesis right now would not help him. For the moment, he preferred to believe with some little part of himself that this was a dream. That if he just opened his eyes his arm would be back. He would be whole.

Months later, and that still was not the case, nor was it an excuse for the state of his apartment.

There was not any food trash, he refused to let himself sink that low, but he could never lie tohimself and say that his apartment was clean. There were wrappers from a myriad of things left around, his clean laundry was still in the basket he had originally shoved it in and was sitting on his kitchen table. Empty boxes were strewn around, books were stacked in half hazard piles near the couch, he was pretty sure the dishes in his sink were starting to stink, and there was a small stack of letters he just had not had the heart to write replies to just yet.

Clenching his jaw, Bucky measured how tired he was and then took a deep breath. He felt better today than he had in a while, and miles better than the day before. Maybe if he just cleaned a bit it would make him feel better. He could open up the windows as well, air the place out a bit.

Better to start now when he was in a good mood than leave it for later.

———————————————————————————————————————

Bucky finished cleaning his apartment far earlier than he expected and felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. Sure, he had nearly lost his balance a few times tripping over garbage, but he had not fallen, and he only instinctually reached out with his nonexistent left hand once. He tried not to dwell on the part of himself that told him he had no reason to feel proud. He should be able to clean up after himself every day like he used to. Instead of listening to those thoughts though, he told himself that he was improving, that this was progress.

For once he did not feel exhausted and overwhelmed after throwing a couple of things away.

Checking the clock on his wall, Bucky sighed thinking about the day ahead of him. It was still almost painfully early, and he was not due to meet up with Clint and Matilda until about two.

Clint was the type of guy to sleep in until at least noon unless one of his archery students needed to shove in some early morning lessons. Bucky used to complain about that fact, but now he was just a little jealous.

If someone wanted Clint before noon, they would have to go up to his apartment and see if they could pound loud enough on the door for Clint to hear them without his hearing aids in. Granted, now Clint had Lucky, and Lucky was trained to be his ears, but Bucky was willing to bet that Clint would ignore anyone trying to wake him up early just out of spite. That, and anyone who was really close with Clint knew they could just go up the fire escape and through his window.

Bucky had done it once or twice to borrow some coffee creamer, actually.

Mulling over his options, Bucky worked his jaw out of habit before deciding to go on a walk. He had stopped going on runs after an embarrassing accident where he tripped over an uneven path and fell, leading to a brief clinic visit, but a walk would be safe. Maybe he could eventually work himself back up to running. He missed it. It was surprising since he had never really cared about running while in the Army, but the thought of having a routine just felt comforting.

He missed having a routine, not having to really think of the day to day.

Grabbing his wallet and keys before awkwardly wrestling his way in to a hoodie, Bucky touched his doorpost before shutting his door behind himself and heading out for the day.

———————————————————————————————————————

The city in the morning was a whole other creature from the evening.

Bucky walked in no particular direction just enjoying taking in the sights around him. Some people were rushing off to work, others looked as if they were coming home. He watched, trying not to laugh, as a particularly tired looking woman rubbed at her eyes nearly running into a streetlight. Not too much farther away a man took his Pomeranian on a walk looking like he was ready for work in a crisp blue suit.

A few shops were just opening, their owners outside sweeping the sidewalk and going about their morning business, and as Bucky came up to a particular produce stand he slowed his steps.

Mrs. Ruffin was quick to spot him and grace him with a warm smile and a wave.

“James! How are you? You’re looking pale this morning, have you eaten? You didn’t come by to get your plums yesterday.”

Smiling gently, Bucky let the older woman take his hand in hers and simply enjoyed her warmth. He was not usually fond of people coddling him, it felt like they were pitying him, but Mrs. Ruffin had known him when he had had two arms, and she had always treated him the same.

“Good morning Mrs. Ruffin. I’m doing alright, haven’t eaten yet but I will. I’m not really hungry yet. Sorry I didn’t come by yesterday, I wasn’t… feeling all that well. How’s the family?”

Mrs. Ruffin tutted frowning up at Bucky and seeming to size him up.

“You’re out and about without having breakfast? That’s why you look so haggard. Eat this, no, don’t complain, eat. I’m sorry to hear you weren’t feeling well yesterday.”

Bucky tried to respectfully decline the plum he was offered, but one hard look from Mrs. Ruffin had him saying thank you and taking a bite being mindful of the pit.

“My husband is fine, out back with the grandson right now actually. Junior is growing up quicker and quicker by the day. Can’t believe my little baby is nearly a man. You know he tells me all the time, ‘Grandma, I want to take over the store for you and Grandpa’. He’s such a good boy. He’s more like my Walter than anyone else. Actually, what time is it? Probably about time to send him off to school.”

Mrs. Ruffin looked concerned, and Bucky was quick to look at his watch and share the time.

“Now you take care James, I’ll save you some of the best plums and you can pick ‘em up on your way home. Actually, you’ve got my number, if you’re not feeling well I can just drop ‘em by your apartment. I’ve gotta send my James on his way.”

Bucky gave Mrs. Ruffin’s hand a gentle squeeze before he watched her walk off to go get her grandson. James Ruffin Jr. was mature beyond his years, and Bucky was always happy to stop and interact with him. He was hellbent on taking over the family business, and he wanted to go to college to get a business degree.

Bucky knew the kid would go far.

Over the next thirty minutes Bucky let his feet lead him on a weaving path around and then out of his neighborhood. More and more people started filling the neighbourhood, but he paid them no mind. Occasionally he felt his skin crawl, his back feeling a little too exposed, a vehicle moving a little too suspiciously, but he would take a breath each time and try to focus. He was home, he was safe.

When things got a little too overwhelming, Bucky took a few turns and headed towards a nearby park. It was usually pretty empty at this time of the morning, but the occasional jogger or biker could be seen trying to get an energetic start to their day.

Bucky was just about to sit on a park bench and relax for a bit when he heard what sounded like a scuffle and jolted to attention.

It took him longer than he would like to figure out what direction the sound was coming from, but when he did he crouched and quickly made his way to the source.

Heart rate increasing, Bucky took deep breaths remembering the training that was like second nature to him. When he went through a bush separating one trail from the other, he paused assessing the situation.

There were only two people on the path in front of him. The first was a tall man with a knife, his face turned away from Bucky and his bald head reflecting the morning sun. In front of the man was a smaller man who, aside from looking like a strong breeze could carry him off, was developing a pretty large bruise on his face.

“I’m done playing games. Give me your wallet or you’ll get more than a fist to the face.”

“Kiss my ass.”

Unable to help himself, Bucky smiled slightly. The little punk might be small, but his voice and posture screamed he would not be intimidated.

“I warned ya.”

The mugger lunged forward ready to strike, and Bucky quickly made his way out of the bush catching the guy around the throat.

Leaning back, Bucky choked him as best he could with one arm while the man struggled. They stepped this way and that, but Bucky was stronger and taller and therefore had the advantage. He was just about to lock his leg around the mugger’s when the guy finally got wise and went to elbow Bucky in the side.

Giving up on the idea of using his legs, Bucky swung the man down by the neck effectively disarming him. The situation would not be over until he got the knife, and so he tried his best to step on the mugger’s wrist.

Bucky narrowly missed his target when the man moved away quickly while trying to get his bearings. The mugger was obviously not all that adept at using a knife, but without a weapon of his own, Bucky was currently at a disadvantage.

“Who the fuck are you?”

Slashing wildly with his knife, the mugger got distracted and turned his back on the smaller man deciding to lunge at Bucky instead.

“Batman?”

The joke coming out of his mouth quicker than he could think, Bucky kicked with all he had catching the guy in the forearm and sending the knife flying. The mugger was obviously in a lot of pain, but his anger won out. He was just about to lunge towards Bucky when his knees were kicked out from under him giving Bucky the opportunity he needed to knock the guy out cold.

“Teach him to think twice about turning his back on me.”

Chuckling, Bucky’s adrenaline started to wear off and his knees felt a little like jelly. It had been quite some time since he had been in any kind of combat, and his lack of exercise on top of that left him out of breath. Crouching, he took deep breaths trying to get his heart under control.

“I think you had ‘im on the ropes. Probably didn’t need me stepping in.”

“Probably didn’t, but I appreciate the help Batman.”

Head shooting up, Bucky grinned boyishly before dropping his head back down. His back was sweaty, his hand shaking, and he did not seem to be getting enough air.

“Hey man, you okay? That asshole didn’t clip you did he?”

Taking a particularly deep breath and letting it out slowly, Bucky sighed.

“Nah, didn’t clip me. Think I’m just out of shape. You alright? You got quite the shiner.”

A bony hand came into his field of view, and Bucky took it not really thinking. It took him an embarrassingly long time for it to occur to him that the guy in front of him was probably trying to help him up, and so he stood quickly letting go.

“I’m fine, I’ve taken a few hits in my lifetime. One good shot isn’t gonna take me down that easy.”

Bucky still did not feel completely back to himself, but he frowned focusing all his attention on the man before him. It was easier to pull himself together when he had someone else to worry about.

The blonde was a good head shorter than Bucky, his shoulders straight but narrow. Everything about him looked… small, to put it simply. What threw Bucky though, was the man’s face. Strong jaw, fierce eyebrows, and calculating sea-foam eyes belied the frailty of his frame. Bucky was willing to guess that this guy had the personality of a bulldog. It was immediately endearing in a way, and infinitely worrying.

“Yeah, maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you should go looking for a fight. What if that guy had’ve stabbed you? Your wallet isn’t worth your life.”

The blonde’s chin jutted out slightly, jaw squaring up, and Bucky knew that he was right. This guy was definitely a bulldog.

“I don’t go looking for fights, I just don’t like bullies.”

Sighing, Bucky simply scrubbed his face with his hand figuring it was not worth it to refute the guy.

“Yeah, okay, yeah I’ll give it to you. I’m not looking to stand here and argue with ya. You want me to call the cops?”

The man seemed to consider the situation, looking down at the offender, before he shrugged.

“Nah, hopefully he’s learned his lesson.”

The blond took another moment to think before his head suddenly shot up and he looked bashful.

“My Mom’d kill me if she saw me being rude like this. Thank you, for helping me out back there. I’m Steve, Steve Rogers.”

Steve was getting red at the neck, his ears quickly following suit, and Bucky had to bite his lip to keep himself from smiling. He was willing to bet money that if Steve saw him smiling he would assume Bucky was laughing at him and things probably would not end well.

“I’m James Barnes, everyone just calls me Bucky though. Glad to lend a hand.”

Well, everyone who wasn’t in the military called him that at least. He was not going to bother bringing that up though. He had been called Sarge for so long now that becoming a civilian reminded him how infrequently his actual name used to be used.

“Bucky?”

Shrugging, Bucky let himself smile feeling he was in the clear.

“My middle name’s Buchanan.”

Nodding his head, Steve stuck out his hand for a handshake and Bucky obliged.

“Listen, uh, could I? I mean of course you can say no but uh… You wanna grab a bagel around the corner? I was actually on my way there before this went down. It’s the least I could do.”

Without a single ounce of hesitation Bucky answered in the positive, and he momentarily felt stupid for answering so quickly. He did not feel so bad however when Steve responded with a big smile and nodded his head in the direction ahead of them.

“So, not to be nosey, but don’t most people go to work around this time of day?”

Bucky was looking off to the left as a bird flew by, and when he turned back to look at Steve, the shorter man seemed unsure.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Tapping at his left ear, he shrugged.

“I’m a bit deaf on my left side, you’ll have to speak up.”

Nodding his head, Bucky turned so his face was more visible and signed along while he was talking out of habit. He was nowhere near as quick as Clint, or as dexterous, but at least he was not rusty.

Bucky had been learning sign language for as long as he had known Clint, but signing with one hand was still a tad new to him. Hopefully it was still easy to understand him.

“I asked a nosey question about why you’re not going to work. Would you prefer I walk on your right side?”

Steve look gobsmacked, but his look of shock quickly turned into a bright smile. Bucky felt like he might be blinded by it.

“No, that’s alright, you can stay on my left. Thanks for asking though. I’ve got a day off today, that’s why I’m not at work. You’re good, well, at sign language that is. Are you…?”

“Hard of hearing? No, but a really close friend of mine is. He’s been teaching me for years. I used to be better but…”

Without thinking Bucky raised his left arm, and quickly put it by his side flinching and turning so his his left arm was a little behind himself, his right shoulder blocking the view of the rest of his chest. He had not been thinking, was not the type to usually bring it up, and yet here he was.

“Well, you’re a great friend learning a whole other language for them. Oh, here we are, just across the road. Come on!”

Steve did not mention Bucky’s arm, did not even seem to register it honestly, and Bucky found himself coming to a halt watching as Steve looked left, then right, and quickly crossed the street.

It was nice, not being asked questions, just going on like nothing happened. He found himself being endeared to the blonde man just a little bit more.

“Bucky?”

Steve turned to his left, and when he did not see Bucky there he quickly turned around. Bucky, feeling bad, pointed at his shoe as if he had maybe stopped to fix the velcro, before looking both ways and quickly crossing the street.

“Sorry, my shoe.”

“No problem. Come on! I swear these are the best bagels in town.”

———————————————————————————————————————

“So you mean to tell me you picked a fight with two guys that were twice your size… and for why again?”

“They were catcalling a girl that was walking down the street.”

Letting his hand drag down his face, Bucky groaned. He was pretty sure he could feel his blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

Steve could take a hit, it was apparent from the shiner forming on his cheek, but that did not mean he should go looking to start trouble. He might be heartier than he looked, but Bucky would hate to find Steve’s unwillingness to back down from a fight leading him on a trip to the hospital.

Steve was something else. He was funny, stubborn as a mule, quick-witted, easily flustered, and virtuous.

God the guy was virtuous.

Not self-righteous, not even in the slightest, but if he knew injustice was happening, he refused to sit idly by. Bucky’s ma would probably call Steve bull-headed, but he knew his gran would love him. She would demand Bucky bring him over for tea, and she would regale Steve with embarrassing stories Bucky tried to forget.

Shoshanah Barnes was the best judge of character after all.

Bucky was caught up in his thoughts, and that must not have registered to Steve. Steve, for all his short stature, began squaring his shoulders and jutting his jaw out. It was his obvious show of mulish discontent, and Bucky was more interested as to what Steve would say than saving himself from any biting remarks.

“Well, what would you say I do then GI Joe? Just let them carry on like a coupla assholes?”

Grinning wide, Bucky tipped his head back barking out a laugh before scrabbling to cover his mouth. Putting his head down, his shoulders shook around his ears as he tried his damndest to hold in his laughter.

“Is GI Joe an upgrade or a downgrade from Batman?”

Bucky’s words came out wobbly around a few errant giggles, and Steve’s shoulders dropped a little, his face showing momentary hesitation.

“Depends on your answer to my question Barnes.”

Whistling a single note and leaning back in his chair, Bucky pouted slightly.

“Damn, demoted to Barnes too. I’ve got no luck.”

Steve was not budging, and Bucky rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

“You did the right thing Stevie, I’m just worried is all. Going up two to one is already a disadvantage, you add in height and weight differences and it just sounds like a nightmare to deal with.”

“Stevie?”

Grimacing a little, Bucky ducked his head. Somehow he had forgotten he had just met Steve, the short time they had known each other felt like forever.

“Sorry Steve, wasn’t really thinking. I won’t call you that again if you don’t like it.”

Shrugging, Steve picked at the last crumb of his bagel before shoving it in his mouth.

“Nah, s’fine.”

Smiling, Bucky settled down into his chair and looked around the shop. There were only a few tables, and the space was cramped, but it was clean, and the wafting smell of fresh bagels and other goods were enticing.

“Could I ask you a kind of personal question?”

Lulled into relaxation, Bucky shrugged at Steve’s request.

“Go for it.”

Steve was just about to open his mouth and ask when his phone on the table started vibrating and flashing catching Bucky off guard and making him sit up straight.

“Sorry, Sorry Bucky. Give me a moment.”

Picking up the phone, Steve pressed it to his right ear and his eyebrows immediately pulled down in confused concentration.

“Huh? Yeah, today’s my free day. Appointment? No, I went to the doc Saturday. Huh? What?!”

Getting to his feet, Steve’s whole demeanor looked panicked, and it put Bucky on high alert.

“I’m so sorry! I got… I wasn’t thinking. I’ll be there soon! Yeah, promise. I’m leaving now.”

Bucky was on his feet when Steve looked up surprised and harried.

“I gotta go. I forgot I had a meeting scheduled today. It’s not for work, well, not like my main job. I just..”

Gently grabbing on to Steve’s elbow, Bucky smiled motioning with his head.

“Come on, I understand, I don’t want you to be even later than you are. Sorry about keeping you.”

“No, I don’t mind, I’m glad we got to hang out. Jeez, I usually have my shit together but…”

Bucky nodded to the older gentleman working behind the counter with a smile, and he only let go of Steve’s elbow to get the door and usher them both out.

“Hey, it’s been a hectic morning. We all get caught up with stuff. I’m just glad I got to chat with ya.”

Steve’s phone started to ring again, and he gave Bucky a strained look.

“Go on, hurry up. Don’t get into any fights on your way to where you’re going.”

Steve looked like he was debating something with himself before he gave a tight smile and answered his phone.

“Bye Bucky, catch ya later.”

As Steve turned towards his phone call and rushed down the street, Bucky felt himself sigh. After standing there aimlessly for a good couple of minutes, something finally clicked in his mind and he groaned loudly his head flopping back.

“Shit… I forgot to ask for his phone number…”


	3. Oh Captain, My Captain

_“I can’t believe you were so caught up flirting you didn’t get the dudes number."_

Clint had an absolutely shit eating grin on his face as he signed to Bucky, and Bucky was tempted to turn around and leave the dog park out of spite.

“I wasn’t flirting, we were just talking.”

Signing along as he spoke, Bucky tried his best not to pout. He knew if he showed any weakness Clint would exploit it.

“Sure thing Sargey-Bargey~!”

Saying it in a sing song voice, Clint opened the gate to the dog park and immediately let Lucky off his leash. Lucky took one look towards his owner before Clint waved him off and the dog went running.

“Getting so distracted you forget to ask for someone’s number sounds like some grade a pining shit to me man. I hope that you meet up with this Steve fella again before you turn into a pumpkin.”

Eyebrows furrowing together, Bucky looked at Clint confused.

“Is that a Cinderella reference? What the hell does that actually mean?”

“Means you’re a squash.”

Beyond confused, Bucky looked at Clint incredulously as the other man smiled and waved to an approaching figure.

“Matilda! Hey! Thanks for meeting up with us on such short notice. I finally cracked him down enough to get him to agree that a service dog would be a great option for him.”

Matilda was tall and broad, and Bucky’s first reaction was to think it was odd to see a girl like her in the city. He imagined she would be better suited for running her own farm somewhere honestly. She reminded him of some of the girls he saw back in Indiana while visiting family. All tan skin and strong arms. He remembered stupidly asking one girl if she was an Amazon once after reading a Wonder Woman comic. She had just smiled at him fondly leaving Bucky to stare at her in awe for the rest of the summer vacation.

“Clint! Ah, and you must be Bucky, this guy never shuts up about you, I hope you know that.”

Blushing a little, Bucky took her offered hand and shook it. She had just as firm of a grip as he thought she might, and it made him smile for some reason.

“Oh, and this…”

Whistling, Matilda looked behind her as a dog came loping towards her.

“…is good ole Captain Crunch."

Cap looked like he was having the time of his life. The dog had a very intelligent face, but as his tongue lolled out of his mouth, he looked like he was smiling goofily. For some reason, out of everything, the smiling face was what endeared Bucky the most.

“Go say hello Cap.”

Matilda was observant, her eyes seeming to watch Bucky like a hawk, but Bucky disregarded it as Cap first went to offer a paw to Clint, and then came over to do the same for Bucky.

“Hey there Cap, aren’t you a handsome fella. You’ve got quite the smile.”

Unable to help himself, Bucky crouched down letting himself pet and coddle the dog as he pleased. Cap did not seem to mind and was reveling in the attention.

“So, tell me about yourself Bucky. I know you from what Clint has said about you, but I like hearing it from the horse’s mouth.”

Freezing up, Bucky was unsure what to say.

Where should he start? Would she want the cut and dry version? Did she want to hear about his childhood? Or did she just want to hear about his time in the army? What point in time of him being in the army should he start at? She could also just mean how he has been since losing his arm and coming back. There were so many options and…

Feeling pressure on him, Bucky blinked hard coming back to himself. Cap had put a paw on his arm, and when Bucky let his arm drop, the dog pushed up against him. Cap was plenty big enough, and he easily filled up the space between Bucky’s still crouched figure. The sensation of something outside of himself was instantly grounding, and Bucky found himself petting Cap as if on autopilot.

“Well, how about that.”

Whistling, Clint nodded his head, and Bucky looked up at his friend before shyly looking at Matilda.

“Uh, sorry, I uh… I guess uh, what do you wanna know about me?”

Matilda did not look fazed at all. Instead, she pointed over towards a couple of benches with a smile.

“No reason to apologize! I guess I should’ve been a little more specific. It’s always a lot just telling people to say shit about themselves. Where do you start right? Like no matter what you say it kind of feels like the wrong answer almost.”

Relieved that Matilda seemed to completely understand how he felt, Bucky followed behind her and Clint while Cap kept close to his side.

“I guess I just wanna know like. What do you like to do? What’re your hobbies?”

Sitting on an open bench, Bucky was glad when Cap hopped on to the bench next to him and leaned into his left side. Not thinking twice, Bucky put his left arm over the dog and pet him with his right.

“I… I don’t really have much in the way of hobbies right now. I mean, I read a lot I guess, and I like going on walks.”

“Dude’s hobby is wandering around the neighborhood and charming the little old ladies. Don’t let him fool you. He could charm his way out of a parking ticket.”

Bucky grinned at Clint’s words and shrugged.

“Clint’s just mad because Mrs. Dubisky in apartment 5-A likes me more than him.”

“I _own_ the building and had been trying to build a rapport with that woman for three years! Bucky moved in and was invited over for tea in less than _two weeks_!”

Matilda looked from side to side as if watching a tennis match. Her smile was incredibly bright and mischievous, and it made Bucky want to smile as well.

“So it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that you are pretty active and fond of socializing? Am I thinking correctly?”

Mulling Matilda’s words over, Bucky had to considered what she said. Did he like socializing?

Shrugging a bit, he pat Cap on the side before going back to stroking the dogs coat in thought.

“I mean the active part is true. I used to run a lot until…” _until the accident,_ “well until I didn’t. I try to go on walks every day though unless it’s just too much. I usually walk for a long time, so I guess yeah, pretty active. Sometimes I’m just too tired to get out of bed though ya know?”

Matilda only nodded, absolutely no judgement on her face, and it made Bucky relax. Cap, in turn, decided to lay down in Bucky’s lap, and Bucky smiled down at the dog.

“I don’t really know about the socializing part; it’s pretty hit or miss. Sometimes I wanna be around people and included. Sometimes I wanna just be with someone but it’s too exhausting to talk. Other times just the sound of another person’s voice can get me so agitated it makes me wanna pull my hair out or worse, start a fight.”

Bucky hated when he got like that. When even hearing the sound of another person agitated him so much that he wanted to lash out. He could not remember ever being like that when he was younger.

Oh how things changed.

Taking a big breath and then letting it go, Bucky nodded his head before looking at Matilda.

“Makes sense, nothing wrong with all that. Thanks for telling me Bucky.”

Matilda patted Cap’s haunches before she leaned back on the bench first looking at Clint and then at Bucky.

“Before we get too far into it, I think it’s really important for you to know that Clint specifically picked Cap out with you in mind.”

Confused, Bucky first looked at Clint and then back at Matilda.

“If you’re just here today to humor your friend, I won’t be offended, but I’d rather know now. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being guilted into this just because Clint is really excited about it.”

Clint actually looked bashful for once, and Bucky smiled pleased that Matilda was being so straightforward.

“Honestly, my thought is that there’s no point trying to slog through the nitty gritty of everything if this isn’t something you’re seriously considering ya know? Plus, if you’re not interested, I can go ahead and try to find another match for Cap so he can go out and help like he’s supposed to. So, what do you think? Is this really something you wanna try?”

Nodding his head slowly, Bucky looked down at Cap and thought about how his life had been going lately.

Bucky had had more low days than high in the past month. His mood and temper were almost like the wind. Most of the time his apartment was an absolute mess, and he was not looking much better. Was having a dog really the smartest thing? Would Cap really help? Would Bucky be able to take care of a dog when he could barely take care of himself?

Registering a whistling whine, Bucky smiled down at Cap as the dog laid his head on Bucky’s hand.

“You know. I think… I think I’d like to give this a chance. Give Cap a chance. That is, if that’s alright I mean. Does it have to be a yes or no decision right now?”

Matilda looked at Clint, and the two shared wide smiles before Matilda shook her head chuckling lightly.

“Nah, it’s not a yes or no question just yet. Your answer was plenty enough for me.”


	4. The Fundraiser

A day turned in to two turned in to five and suddenly two weeks had passed.

Living with Cap did not magically change Bucky’s entire life, but things did feel easier. On mornings when he woke up particularly low, Cap would lay on his chest and harumph. On high energy days they would both go on a walk or Bucky would let Cap run wild in the dog park. Cap offered the kind of routine Bucky had lost since leaving the army, and taking care of his new friend also satisfied his urge to take care of others without the fear of letting them down.

If Bucky was going to take care of someone else, he had to take care of himself. Sam would be proud of him.

Speaking of Sam…

Checking his phone, Bucky called out for Cap lazily while looking for one of his nicer looking jackets.

“Come on Cap! Time to go. Grab your vest.”

Cap immediately came up to Bucky with his service vest in his mouth, and Bucky velcroed it on before checking his pocket a final time for his keys.

“Let’s go bud, I’m pretty curious about this.”

Touching his doorpost as always, Bucky led the two of them towards the Stark Expo Center.

Sam was… Sam and Bucky’s relationship was hard to explain. On one hand, Sam was always busting Bucky’s balls. Whether it be about going to a therapist, taking care of himself, or his choice in sports, Sam always had something to say. On the other hand, Bucky found Sam to be incredibly intuitive, respectful, and knowledgeable about other’s limits and when he could and could not push.

Granted, Sam was a Peer Specialist at the VA, but Bucky had a feeling Sam had always been like that.

All that being said, when Bucky had received a call asking if he wanted to tag along to an art and science VA Center fundraiser, of course Bucky was interested.

At first Bucky had worried that it was some kind of formal event, but Sam had laughed and immediately said it was no such thing. The VA art therapy class had decided to team up with the Science and Engineering Partnership for Wounded Veterans founded by Tony Stark to put together an interactive exhibit. Originally, this was supposed to be a small event held inside the VA Center, but Tony Stark never did anything small, and so everything had quickly been moved to the much bigger Stark Expo Center.

The pamphlet Sam had waved in front of Bucky’s face over lunch the week before had been incredibly enticing. Especially since there was supposedly a whole exhibit centered on space and constellations.

Like most children Bucky had wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid. He was gifted science kits, won many a science fair, tried his best to advance in math, engineering, and anything else that might get him one step closer to his goal.

He honestly had no idea what eventually made him abandon his dream.

Granted, Bucky would never say he regretted his decision, but he often wondered what his life would have been like if he really went to NASA instead of becoming a soldier.

“There you are slowpoke! I thought for sure we’d be closing the place down. What took you so long? You’re late.”

Rolling his eyes playfully, Bucky huffed motioning for Cap to sit.

“Don’t get your silk panties in a twist Sam. I’m here aren’t I? If anything…”

Looking at his watch Bucky gave Sam an unimpressed stare.

“I’m thirty minutes early asshole, what the hell do you mean late?”

“Late for you, now come on.”

Staring with a bit of confusion, Bucky tried to remember what the pamphlet he had read said.

“Uhh… this shindig hasn’t even started yet. What do you mean come on?”

Sam only gave Bucky a wolfish smile, his eyes full of mischief.

“I happen to be friends with the two guys who put this event together. Well… and Pepper Potts of course. Let’s be honest, she’s the one who _really_ runs the show. I love a woman in charge.”

Sam sighed his small crush on the already taken Pepper Potts apparent.

Bucky could not help but to stop dead in his tracks surprised, and Cap looked up at him questioningly before whistling to get Bucky’s attention.

“Wait… Okay no wait a moment. You want me to believe that you know _the_ Anthony Stark? Like… the millionaire?”

“Actually, I think he might be a billionaire, I don’t really balance his check book though.”

Blanching, Bucky shook his head still in shock.

“He’s trying to beat Elon Musk for a contract with NASA right now. Holy shit Sam!”

Sam immediately started howling in laughter at Bucky’s star struck yet vaguely horrified face.

“I’ll make sure you get his autograph. Now come on dude, I wanna try this simulation game they’ve set up before it gets busy. Plus, I gotta get you to see the constellation exhibit. My best friend set it up all by himself. Tony wanted to make the exhibit flashier, but no one wins against Supreme General Buzzkill.”

Snorting at the name, Bucky rolled his eyes and followed Sam into the exhibit.

———————————————————————————————————————

The exhibit….

Well, honestly, the exhibit was absolutely beyond impressive.

Of course, some professional help had been called in to bring everything together, but the genuine exhibits were wonderful. Bucky went from one exhibit to the other in awe, and Sam was like a kid in a candy shop.

The astronaut simulator had been a little too claustrophobic for Bucky’s taste, but the mission control panel had been a blast. Cap sat in his lap the whole time as they tried to figure out how to get Sam where he needed to go and complete the mission objectives.

Bucky and Sam’s names went to the top of the leaderboard for mission success once they finished. If their names stayed there by the end of the exhibit portion of the fundraiser, Bucky and Sam would win some type of prize.

From there they walked through exhibits showing the different ways members of the VA expressed their ideas of space. Some people built model rockets, there were a few paintings, Bucky was particularly impressed by a wood carving of a rover that was painted with minute details. Each piece would be for sale in the evening for the silent auction.

Sam and Bucky were just about to turn left when something caught Bucky’s eye to the right.

“Sam. Hey Sam look at this.”

Grin breaking across his face, Bucky led Cap into the large chaotic room.

Metal bins were lined all around the perimeter of the room, and there were about ten long workstations in the middle. There were a few smaller tables, presumably for kids, with matching small plastic bins as well.

“What’s this?”

Turning to look at Sam with a mischievous grin on his face, Bucky felt his heart race in excitement. Pointing at the big signs on either side of the room, Bucky felt Cap start to fidget as if the dog could feel his excitement as well.

“It’s a rover building station! Ya gotta help me out. I haven’t done anything like this in forever. Betcha’ we could win a prize here too.”

As if Bucky had said the magic words, Sam perked up.

“I do like winning.”

“Then you gotta lend me a hand.”

Groaning at Bucky’s frankly horrible joke and accompanying jazz hand, Sam went over to the worktable at the very back claiming it for the two of them.

“Well then, let’s get to it Sarge.”

———————————————————————————————————————

“Okay, you see the screw with the green head? Screw it into the pink plate. I don’t care that the colors clash, I’m telling you that’s where it goes. Trust me, I promise if you screw it into the green plate it’s not gonna turn properly.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam fiddled with the plate screwing it in like he was told.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so bossy before. Have you always been like this? Where’d the strong silent guy I know go? I liked him better. He wasn’t as picky.”

Absolutely beaming, Bucky scribbled a few equations on the scrap piece of paper he had before putting the golf pencil he was using behind his ear.

“You wanna win this thing or not?”

Grumbling under his breath, Sam kept working, but he could barely hide the smile on his face.

“Captain stay.”

Walking over to one of the bins, Bucky sifted through the different types of rover wheels available. Though he and Sam had been the first ones in the room, they were now joined by a bunch of other people. There was occasional yelling from children and petty arguments between adults, but overall the atmosphere was nice. This reminded Bucky of shop class in a way, but without the fear of getting yelled at by Mrs. Martin.

“Woah! Sam you didn’t tell me you could build stuff. How did I not know this? Hey, actually this is really pretty good for being made out of scrap parts. What the hell man? I could’ve invited you to my lab ages ago. Oh, are these your notes. Oh fuck! Shit! Hello dog.”

Turning away from the wheel bin with six rover wheels clutched precariously to his chest, Bucky froze looking at none other than Tony Stark.

Tony looked completely casual and yet expensive at the same time. It was one of those situations where you knew that a person looked like they were just wearing a ratty t-shirt and jeans, but in actuality the jeans cost more than a month’s paycheck. The mere thought made Bucky want to fidget. He was not dressed badly, but he was not sure he was dressed up enough to meet **_the_** Tony Stark.

Though Tony was shorter than Bucky expected him to be, his larger than life personality made up for it. Bucky just hoped he could get out of this situation without embarrassing himself.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. That’s my dog.”

Awkwardly leaning down to place the wheels on the table, Bucky caught one before it could roll away. Cap only glanced at him for a moment before putting his head back down, and Sam grinned wide reveling in the awkwardness that was one James Barnes.

“No, hey, no reason to apologize. Are you helping Sam with the rover? Sam, you send your buddy to collect wheels for you?”

Tony easily skirted around asking if it was smart to send a guy with one arm to collect stuff that could easily roll away, and for some reason Bucky found himself smiling.

“Tony you’ve got it backwards. Bucky’s not helping _me_ , I’m helping _him._ ”

Turning his head sharply, Tony quickly sized Bucky up before glancing back at the scrap paper on the table and snatching it up.

“Bucky huh? Weird name. It stand for something or did your parent’s just want an easy target for bullies?”

Rolling his eyes with a smile, Bucky ignored Sam’s warning tone as he leaned against the worktable and took the golf pencil out from behind his ear. There was something about Tony’s inflection and general manner that lead Bucky to believe that his harsh words held no real weight. 

Tony seemed like the kind of guy who found it hard to talk and interact with others, and so said whatever was on his mind freely. It was kind of nice actually. People like that rarely ever bothered with lying.

“Stands for Buchanan. Name’s James Barnes. Friend’s call me Bucky though.”

“Well _Jamie_ …”

Tony looked up into Bucky’s face as if sizing him up, and Bucky just looked back unfazed. His Grandfather would call him Jamie when he was younger, and playground bullies had come up with every name in the book. Being called Jamie was not really an annoyance at all.

“What is it you do for a living? These equations are awfully good. You an engineer or something? Did you design this just today or are you one of those battle bots guys? Can’t imagine there’d be a good engineer just hanging around and not on my radar.”

Absorbing the rapid-fire questions, Bucky reached out for the rover and laid it on its side.

“Sam could you pass me the little hammer? No, the teeny tiny one. Thanks.”

Getting himself situated so Cap was between his legs and his hips were braced against the table, Bucky gently began hammering the wheels into place. Tony looked at Sam incredulously before turning back to Bucky. The billionaire was just about to open his mouth to protest before Bucky started speaking again.

“I’m retired from the Army. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m an engineer, but I do like to dabble. Used to do science fairs when I was younger. I never had the time to make a battle bot though. Gotta say, they look pretty fun.”

Hammering the last wheel in to place, Bucky turned the rover to the upright position before smiling with pride.

“Sam my man, if you would.”

Loving any opportunity to show off, especially when he could leave his friend Tony Stark speechless, Sam wound up their propulsion mechanism before placing the rover on the floor and watching it race off.

“One small step for-”

“Ouch!”

Immediately standing up straight, Bucky motioned for Cap to stay in his spot while he followed the path of the sound to its source. As he walked, he pushed his hair away from his face out of nervousness. No doubt if he kept it up his hair would be an absolute mess, but he did not mind.

“I’m so sorry, are you alright? I told Sam to just let the rover go. We should’ve thought better about it and-”

Apologies caught in his throat; Bucky blinked a few times not really sure if his eyes were deceiving him.

“Steve?”

“Bucky?”

Grin spreading across his face, Bucky stepped forward touching Steve’s shoulder.

“Hey, yeah, woah! Fancy running into you here I…”

Cutting himself off and clearing his throat, Bucky let go of Steve before reaching down to pick up the offending rover.

“I’m sorry about the rover, swear it was an accident. Gotta admit, Sam and I were kind of showing off in front of Tony Stark and we didn’t check that the coast was clear. Are you alright?”

Steve was grinning just as goofily as Bucky was, and he continued to stare a moment more before coming back to himself.

“Oh uh… No, hey it’s fine. Accidents happen after all, no big deal.”

The two just continued to stare at each other with big grins for a moment before Bucky cleared his throat.

“So uh. If you’re not too busy you wanna meet my friend Sam? I’m not sure if Tony Stark is still over there too but the guy seems kinda cool.”

Steve chuckled reaching up to pat Bucky on his left shoulder for a moment before shoving without any real force.

“Tony and I put this exhibit together you meatball.”

Eyes going wide, Bucky looked around the room in awe before remembering what Sam said.

“Wait… That means.”

Putting the rover under his left armpit awkwardly, Bucky tugged Steve with his right hand to follow along. Steve gave no resistance whatsoever, and the pair quickly made it back over to the table where Sam looked between the two in confusion and Tony gave a huge grin.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite short stack.”

Bucky felt Steve bristle, and despite the fact that Bucky kind of idolized Tony Stark, he did not think twice about angling himself to block Steve from the billionaire.

“Hey Buck, this’ the guy I called Supreme General Buzzkill earlier.”

Steve looked offended at the name, but it kept him from bristling, and proved that Bucky had guessed correctly.

Steve, Sam, and Tony Stark were all friends.

“What the fuck guys?”

“Language Rogers.”

Letting go of Bucky’s hand, Steve flipped Tony off. Once satisfied, he crossed his arms and turned to look at Sam with a non-plussed gaze.

“So now I’m Supreme General Buzzkill because I kept Tony from trying to blow our budget on stupid shit that could possibly hurt somebody?”

“You worry too much Captain Tight Ass. Lighten up! At most I would’ve caused only a slight maiming.”

“This is why I’m head of this three-ring circus. Neither one of you can be trusted.”

Unable to help himself, Bucky started laughing at the three’s antics. Steve, on his part, simply gazed up at Bucky affectionately, and once Bucky stopped laughing, he stared back at him unable to help himself.

“Oh my god.”

Blinking and coming back to himself, Bucky looked at Tony, and then at Sam. Reaching to his left side, he gripped the rover by one of its wheels before depositing it back on the table. He really hoped he had not been staring at Steve for long, he was not sure could handle the ribbing Sam would give him.

Sam continued to look between Bucky and Steve with a shit eating grin, and Bucky could see Tony practically vibrating in anticipation of what Sam would say next.

“This is the guy you met in the park! This is James! Oh my god this is too good. You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Seeming to finally understand, Tony whipped his head around to look between Steve and Bucky before his face split into the most mischievous grin.

“So, Rogers was telling the truth. Tall dark and handsome really did come running to his rescue.”

Blushing, Bucky blinked rapidly before turning to Steve who refused to look at him. That being said, just because Steve was not looking at Bucky did not mean Bucky could not see the pink slowly crawling up the shorter man’s neck and ears.

“I never said that! Don’t put words in my mouth Stark.”

“Oh, then should I tell _James_ how you-”

“ _Tony._ ”

All four of the men went stiff and Bucky turned to see the approaching figure of one Pepper Potts.

“Is Tony causing you trouble again Steve.”

The blush seemed to absolutely refuse to leave Steve’s neck, and he swallowed before crossing his arms looking mulish.

“He’s just embellishing stories as usual to cause trouble.”

Smiling and no doubt used to this situation, Pepper turned a warning eye towards Tony before looking at Bucky.

“Hi there, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Pepper Potts.”

Taking her hand and giving a firm handshake, Bucky nervously looked around. Somehow this felt like bootcamp. Pepper had the aura of someone who _demanded_ respect.

“James Buchanan Barnes ma’am. Most people just call me Bucky though.”

Pepper giggled, a tinkling sound that made Bucky smile, before she gave him an apprising look.

“Well Bucky, you don’t look like the usual kind of scoundrel these boys hang out with. You can call me Pepper. Ma’am’s far too formal. Now…”

Looking towards Tony and Sam, she gave a smile that looked more like a warning than anything.

“Would you two gentlemen mind helping me out for a moment? Steve, Bucky, you wouldn’t mind sparing them, would you?”

Bucky shook his head no, and Steve simply smiled obligingly before the two men trailed after her departing figure seemingly arguing between each other.

“Well… That was something.”

Letting out a sigh, Bucky headed towards Cap and crouched down to stroke the dog lovingly.

“Sorry, we can all get a bit. Uh… rambunctious when we’re together.”

Coming around the worktable, Steve let out a surprised sound when he saw Cap.

“Oh, who’s this? I don’t think we’ve met.”

Smiling at Cap as one would at a child, Bucky glanced up at Steve.

“This is Cap, I mean, technically his whole name is Captain Crunch, but… Nicknames and all.”

Laughing Steve crouched down so he was at Bucky’s shoulder, but he did not reach out to touch the dog.

“Captain Crunch huh? I like it. He’s a pretty dog.”

For some reason Bucky had the urge to say something incredibly stupid, so instead he let his head lean forward so his hair covered his face and he bit his tongue.

“Not to be supremely nosy.”

Steve leaned even closer into Bucky’s space as he spoke. He was so close that Bucky was pretty sure Steve washed with Irish Spring soap.

“Why do you keep your hair so long? Doesn’t it get in your eyes?”

Steve was gentle as he pushed Bucky’s hair back and out of his face, but he immediately went ramrod straight when it occurred to him what he was doing.

“Ah. Sorry! I uh. I wasn’t.”

“Show me the constellation exhibit.”

Bucky felt his heart racing a mile a minute, but not out of nervousness. He did not want Steve to apologize. There was no reason to.

“What?”

“The constellation exhibit. You put it together right? Show it to me. I haven’t been there yet.”

Steve blinked rapidly for a moment, but his embarrassment and confusion slowly slipped away. In its wake was a shy smile.

“I…yeah. Sure. Let’s put the rover on the judgement table and then I’ll take you.”

Smiling, Bucky stood before offering his hand down to Steve to help him up.

“Sounds like a plan.”

———————————————————————————————————————

“Wow…”

Looking around a bit breathless, Bucky could not help but smile. Even Cap seemed to be interested in the exhibit.

The entire room was dim, and there were all different kinds of art mediums on the walls and ceiling. The center light was the brightest, and Bucky quickly understood that it was meant to represent the sun. The other planets were positioned at different points arounds the ceiling, seemingly following their orbit. The fact that each planet seemed to be made out of a separate medium was fascinating.

Bucky wished he could just lay down on the floor and stare at everything properly.

“You like it?”

Quickly glancing at Steve with the brightest grin, Bucky nodded his head enthusiastically before letting his eyes go back to roving the room.

“It’s gorgeous. I just… I mean wow. You put all of this together? You’re pretty amazing Stevie. How’d you come up with the idea?”

Steve was quiet for what felt like a little too long, and Bucky turned to look down at him curiously. On his part, Steve looked bashful, the expression warring with something else Bucky could not quite put his finger on.

“I mean, it wasn’t all just me. The guys at the VA did most the work, I just designed the exhibit.”

Shifting so his right shoulder bumped against Steve and then settled, Bucky gave a soft smile.

“Not one to just accept compliments huh? Even if you did ‘just design the exhibit’.”

Bucky made sure to use air quotes knowing that designing anything was difficult and Steve was being blasé.

“You still put in a lot of work. It looks amazing, you should be proud of yourself, proud of the work you and everyone else have done. I know I sure as hell am.”

Steve let out a big sigh, leaning his weight into Bucky. After a moment he dipped his head and then raised it again looking Bucky square in the face.

“Thanks Buck, I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime.”

The silence of the practically empty hall that settled over the two of them was comfortable. Unable to help himself, Bucky took the opportunity to look at Steve at this new angle.

Steve had a few freckles smattered here and there. His eyes were more blue than green in this light, and it made Bucky consider what the color would actually be called. There was also something soft around the edges of Steve’s eyes that was just… calming. For all the trouble Steve no doubt could cause, there was something just refreshing about him.

“I’ve thought of something. Follow me.”

More than willing to follow Steve just about anywhere, Bucky was surprised when Steve took his elbow leading him over to a different section of the room.

Seeming to look for something on the ceiling, Steve kept his head up, and Bucky made sure to watch and make sure the shorter man did not run into anything.

“Contacts are great and all, but I should’ve worn my glasses. Would’ve probably made this easier if I-. Oh! There!”

Pointing up with a big grin, Steve shook Bucky’s arm and he just looked on in confusion. Looking at the different stars around, Bucky was pretty sure Steve was pointing at the constellation for Hercules and he felt like he was missing something.

“Uh… granted it’s been awhile, but I’m pretty positive that’s the constellation for Hercules, right? What about it?”

Steve looked pleased that Bucky knew what he was pointing at before leaning against him again and pointing emphatically.

“It’s you!”

Immediately frowning, Bucky glanced between the constellation and Steve beyond confused.

“Me? No, absolutely not.”

Something felt tight in his chest just thinking about it.

Hercules, a god among men, the twelve labors he went through, the family he slew with his own hands. Despite all the good things Hercules did, Bucky could only focus on all the pain he suffered, on the madness.

Bucky was not too sure he liked the correlation. It made something inside of him curl in fear. Was he currently going through a trial? Would he lose everything in the end? He was not sure he could stomach losing anything else.

Cap whined at his feet bringing Bucky's attention to the canine, and he pat his head gently.

“Sorry Buck.”

Feeling bad, Bucky gave a soft smile leaning on Steve lightly.

“Don’t apologize, there’s no reason to. I really appreciate the thought I’m just… I’m not like him, no way. I… I can’t really explain it. I would never want to be like him.”

Idea coming to mind, Bucky first went to reach for Steve’s hand and immediately thought better of it. He needed to hold on to Cap’s leash, but it would be strange if he held the leash and Steve’s hand. He guessed technically speaking he did not really need to hold Caps leash at all, but what if someone thought there was just a random dog wandering around? He could technically connect Caps leash to his pants somehow, but that would look dumb.

Bucky was definitely spiraling if the pressure on his leg from Cap was any indication, but before he could say anything Steve held his hand.

“You look like you were thinking a little too hard. What’s up?”

Taking a deep breath and then sighing, Bucky gave a tired smile before glancing around the room.

“I wanted to show you…”

Voice trailing off, Bucky gently lead Steve around the exhibit trusting that the other man would tell him if there was some obstacle that he should watch out for. It took an embarrassingly long time, but when Bucky found what he was looking for, he grinned at Steve.

“There, that’s what I wanted to show you. That’s me.”

Letting go of Steve’s hand, Bucky pointed unwaveringly at Canis Major with pride. The longer Steve stayed quiet however, the more fidgety he became. Bucky would wait though, surely Steve would understand.

“You know…”

Fidgeting with the leash, Bucky watched Steve as he spoke, though Steve was still gazing at the constellation in thought.

“Somehow Canis Major makes a lot more sense than Hercules. I like it. Plus, you’ve got Sirius in your constellation. A bright star in the night sky.”

It felt like a weight was falling off his chest, and Bucky could not help letting his hand fall on to Steve’s shoulder.

“So I guess that makes you Orion?”

Immediately wincing at his stupid remark and removing his hand, Bucky blushed wondering what was coming over him. Calling Steve Orion was practically putting the fact that he would follow Steve wherever on blast. He was a fool. A fool that had somehow attached himself to a guy that he had only met twice. Talk about beyond embarrassing. Maybe he should get out and socialize more.

“I think I might like that.”

Steve was looking directly at Bucky, and Bucky could not help but to focus on how long Steve’s eyelashes were in his embarrassment.

“Oh, uhm, yeah? Really?”

Steve did not get a chance to reply before the announcement for the start of the auction came over the speaker system, and somehow the moment was gone. Bucky kind of wished he had better luck.


	5. Ballet Shoes

“And so you’re not asking him out on a date because why?”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky huffed as he watched Natasha stretch from his position on the floor.

“I’ve met the guy twice.”

Stretching as best he could, Bucky relaxed enjoying the feeling. Natasha had convinced him to stop by her ballet school after her morning classes so they could get lunch together. At the time, Bucky had acted like he did not want to go even though he was always happy to see the red head. 

Sometimes it was fun being difficult to Natasha.

Considering he always got to his appointments early, Bucky had easily been roped in to helping the little kids learn their dance positions. By the end, he was glad Nat had had an extra hair tie so she could put his hair up for him. Maybe it was finally time to stop hiding behind his long locks and get it cut.

Hiding behind his hair did not make it any easier to look at the man he saw in the mirror every day anyways.

Bucky and Natasha went way back. He could hardly say how long they had known each other honestly. What he knew for sure was that Natasha had been adamant about getting Bucky to help her with ballet when she found out how flexible he was, and that if he ever needed to hide a dead body she would be the first one he called.

After years of camaraderie he could say with confidence that there were quite a lot of things he would call her first about though.

“Clint proposed to me the third time we met.”

“Yeah, well Clint’s an idiot.”

Smiling fondly, Natasha did a final stretch before standing up straight and smiling contentedly.

“True, but he’s my idiot.”

Blanching in fake disgust, Bucky could only laugh when Natasha kicked him sharply in the side careful not to knock him off balance.

“Now come on, I’m starving and I want to hear more about this Steve fellow.”

Groaning, Bucky called Cap over and the dog was more than happy to deposit his leash in Bucky’s waiting hand.

“There’s nothing else to say Nat. I’ve met Steve twice. The last time we saw each other in person I made a frankly embarrassing constellation reference that I regret ever telling you about, and I’ve been texting him every day since then.”

“How long has it been since the fundraiser?”

Thinking back on it, it felt like it happened ages ago.

“Just a week, maybe a little less?”

Unsure of himself, Bucky shrugged, and Nat got a grin as if she was the cat who ate the canary.

“I’m willing to bet good money he’ll ask if you want to hang out this weekend.”

Heart picking up pace, Bucky had to keep himself from touching his phone. Instead, he gave an exasperated look to Nat before sighing.

“You have a lot more faith than I do.”

Shrugging and slinging on her jacket, Nat motioned Bucky and Cap out the door before locking up the studio.

“Unless he’s as foolish as you are, he’ll be smart and ask you out. Even if it’s just for coffee. You guys obviously seem to get on like a house on fire, and you’ve got friends in common to boot.”

Checking one final time that the door was locked, Natasha nodded to herself.

“Now get out of my way. The Russian place down the street is serving my favorite and I’m not missing out because you’re pining.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky could not help but smile, and Natasha was quick to return it.

“Lead the way then your majesty.”

Natasha punched Bucky in the chest and he let out a hearty laugh.

———————————————————————————————————————

Blushing furiously, Bucky tried to look at Natasha for help as the older woman spooned another portion of Golubtsi on to his plate.

“You’re too skinny. Natalia!”

The older woman whipped her head to look at Natasha before speaking in rapid fire Russian, and Natasha only looked pleased. Bucky, on his part, wondered if maybe he really was getting a bit too skinny. Older women always seemed to be trying to fatten him up. Even his grandmother tried to make him take leftovers home after every Friday. Not that he much minded really, he loved his grandmother’s cooking, but it was just starting to make him a bit self-conscious.

“Eat, eat. Natalia, would you like some more pickles? You can have more right? Your diet isn’t too strict right now is it? I know how much you love pickles”

Mrs. Petrov was like a mother to Natasha, and she had constantly tried to set her up with one of her sons until Natasha started dating Clint. There had been sadness at first, but Mrs. Petrov was more than content when it became apparent that Natasha loved her and thought of her like family as well. Though she had no daughters of her own, she could often be heard talking about her daughter Natalia and how proud she was.

“I can have more pickles. I don’t go on a diet again until next month.”

Natasha’s eyes lit up, and Mrs. Petrov winked knowing exactly what the younger woman wanted.

“Then I’ll be back.”

As soon as Mrs. Petrov walked off, Bucky leaned forward a bit over the table.

“Did you go to that florist I mentioned? I’m pretty sure I could spot an arrangement from Mantis anywhere. It’s pretty.”

Bucky watched Natasha flick her hair over her shoulder a smug look on her face.

“Mrs. Petrov was annoyed that her youngest son was being an ass, so I thought I’d cheer her up.”

Shrugging her shoulders, she popped some Pelmeni in her mouth.

“That, and I, of course, had a talk with her son. That’s neither here nor there though.”

Bucky could only guess what 'having a talk’ with one of Mrs. Petrov’s sons would be like and decided for once he would mind his own business.

“Natalia, your pickles.”

Setting the dish down with a smile, Mrs. Petrov smoothed Natasha’s hair down lovingly.

“James, here, some more water for your friend. Are you sure he can’t eat anything?”

Cap was snoozing on Bucky’s feet under the table, but Bucky made sure that Mrs. Petrov saw him pouring more water in the little water dish she had brought earlier.

“I’m sure Mrs. Petrov. Thank you though, I really appreciate it.”

Nodding her head pleased, Mrs. Petrov went on her way as more patrons entered the restaurant.

As soon as Mrs. Petrov was out of earshot, Natasha leaned back in her seat eating her pickles and watching Bucky as he ate his food contentedly.

Bucky honestly had not been all that hungry earlier, his appetite had not really been all that big for a while, but somehow having the plate in front of him made him want to eat more.

“You know, I kinda have to agree with Mrs. Petrov. You’ve been looking skinny lately, everything alright? I mean…”

Rolling her eyes, Natasha smiled helping to keep Bucky at ease.

“I know everything isn’t peachy or anything, but have things at least been getting better.”

Putting his utensil down to really mull over Natasha’s question, Bucky sighed. His hand immediately went to his hair to rub it back, but once he remembered Natasha had put it up for him, he rubbed his neck instead.

“I mean…”

Taking a deep breath and sighing, Bucky let his hand rest on the table. He knew if he wanted her to drop it, Natasha would in a heartbeat, but knowing that somehow made him want to tell her the truth.

“I… Yeah. I think things are getting better. I don’t have as many low days as I used to, and having Cap has really helped.”

Cap raised his head lazily, and Bucky was quick to pat the dog on the head before the dog went back to dozing.

“My appetite still isn’t really what it used to be, but I do eat. I guess just not as much as I thought ya know?”

Nodding her head in understanding, Natasha gave a soft smile.

“I completely understand, all in good time. If you feel like eating, take the opportunity. Even if you don’t feel like it though, maybe start setting alarms to remind yourself to eat at set times during the day. Eventually you’ll get in the habit of it and your body will start getting hungry around the same time each day.”

Nodding his head in understanding Bucky mulled it over before pulling out his phone.

“I like that plan, thank you Nat.”

Natasha smiled eating more of her pickles, and Bucky was just about to ask something when his phone started ringing in his hand and he dropped it.

“ _Shit_.”

Trying to be quiet about it, Bucky scrambled for his phone, looked at the ID before freezing.

“Who is it?”

Beyond curious, Natasha leaned across the table while Bucky inwardly panicked.

“It’s Steve.”

“Then answer it!”

“What if he…”

Before Bucky could get any more words out of his mouth, Natasha rolled her eyes and stole the phone right out of his hands.

“Hello~!”

“ _Nat give it back!_ ”

Sounding beyond cheery and giving Bucky a wicked grin, Natasha ignored him to look at her manicured nails.

“Oh no, you’ve got the right number. My name’s Natasha, I’m a friend of his. Bucky’s told me _so_ much about you, it’s a pleasure to hear your voice.”

“ _Natasha!_ ”

Going bright red in the face, Bucky leaned forward trying his best to snatch his phone back.

“Oh! Look at that! He’s just come back! I’ll pass the phone to him. Hopefully we can meet each other soon Steve.”

Taking the offered phone from her dainty fingers, Bucky scowled. In return, Natasha only gave a pleased grin before going back to eating her pickles and pretending she was not listening.

“Hello? Steve?”

Phone to his ear, Bucky took a deep breath before he relaxed hearing the steady voice of Steve on the other side.

“Hey Bucky, hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“Nah, Nat and I were just going to lunch. There’s a nice little Russian restaurant near her dance studio. Do you like Russian food?”

There was a slight pause before Steve spoke up sounding curious.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had real Russian food before honestly. Just like… frozen chicken Kiev and box beef stroganoff.”

Smiling a little, Bucky was about to open his mouth when he noticed Natasha smiling at him and he ducked his head debating getting up from the table. He wanted some privacy, but there also was not really anywhere to go. Thankfully, Natasha quickly got the hint and decided to ring Clint and make sure he was actually up for the day.

“Well, maybe I can take you sometime. Mrs. Petrov is the best.”

“I think I’d really like that Buck.”

The two lulled into a pleasant kind of silence before Steve started talking again as if he suddenly remembered why he had called in the first place.

“I uh, I was wondering if you know. I mean if you’re not too busy that is. Friday, uh, Friday night there’s an exhibit, and… I mean, if you’re not busy I’d love to go with you.”

Shoulders dropping a bit, Bucky leaned his head forward wishing he could rub his neck like he usually did.

“Oh… Stevie I’d love to but…”

“No! No, it’s okay! I should’ve known you’d be busy. You’re probably meeting up with friends or I mean… You could even have a date lined up! We could hang out some other time.”

Unable to help himself, Bucky chuckled shaking his head.

“It ain’t like that Stevie. Take a breath, you sound like you’ve run a marathon.”

Bucky could practically imagine the frazzled look on Steve’s face before it turned into his signature scowl.

“I’ll have you know I have asthma. You wouldn’t catch me dead running a marathon.”

Choking on a laugh, Bucky was not sure if Steve was being serious or not, and without seeing him face to face he had no idea what the best reply would be.

“Do you? I had no idea. I’m… sorry?”

There was silence on the other end of the line before Steve started laughing boisterously and Bucky sighed wanting to bang his head on the table. He was pretty sure Steve was being a little shit on purpose.

“You should’ve heard yourself. I was just pickin’ on ya Buck.”

“So you don’t have asthma?”

“Oh no, I do. Haven’t had an attack in years though. I was the typical sick kid growing up. Seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Add that to a kid who always got into fights and my mom had her work cut out for her. Good thing she was a nurse.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky sighed feeling tired on Steve’s mother’s behalf.

“You’re something else Rogers.”

Steve, on his part, just chuckled, the nervousness from before seeming to have left him.

“Hey, about Friday.”

Bucky could hear Steve breath in a little sharply, and Bucky immediately jumped into an explanation hoping to dispel whatever Steve might be thinking.

“It’s not that I _don’t_ want to hang out with you on Friday, it’s that I can’t. You’re right, I kind of have plans already. Every Friday I go to the Temple with my grandma and then we have dinner together with some of her friends. The rest of my family doesn’t live in town right now, but it’s tradition. If my parents and sister were here we’d have lunch together on Saturday too.”

Biting his lip gently, Bucky wondered what Steve might say.

“I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

Not really able to parse anything from what Steve said, Bucky shrugged feeling pressure on his leg and looking down. Cap was sitting up with his head on Bucky’s knee, and Bucky smiled putting the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could pet the dog gently.

“I uh, yeah, I am. That a problem?”

“What? No! Gosh, no! Sorry, I just… I had no idea. I felt kinda stupid for a second there is all. I just figured you didn’t wanna hang out and you were trying to let me down gently.”

Letting out the breath he had not known he was holding, Bucky smiled scratching behind Cap’s ear before holding his phone properly again.

“Nah, I’d love to hang out. Hit me up to hang out whenever, just not Friday evenings. I can do Saturdays though, or Sundays. I don’t really know if you go to church or anything.”

“I’m kinda a lapsed Roman Catholic honestly. Don’t usually go except for big holidays, even then can’t really say I go though. Gosh, I don’t think I’ve been to a church since my mom passed on.”

Frowning, Bucky nodded his head.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mom Steve.”

“Thanks Buck, it’s been a few years, I still miss her though.”

Not wanting Steve to dwell on what was obviously a sore subject, Bucky perked up with an idea.

“Say um… If you’re not busy Saturday, how about we get lunch? We could maybe do something after, just play it by ear.”

“I’d love to!”

Bucky was not sure what kind of reply he was expecting, but the enthusiasm rolling off of Steve made him blush and smile. They spoke a little longer deciding on a restaurant, and when they settled on Thai food Steve made a noise of surprise.

“Oh! I’ve gotta get back to work, my lunch break is almost over. I’ll catch ya later though. Can’t wait to see you Saturday.”

Smiling fondly, Bucky nodded his head.

“Text me later on your way home. I know you can get home just fine, but it doesn’t make me worry any less. You walking around at night just means there’s more chances for you to be a vigilante. I’ll see you Saturday.”

They exchanged some more pleasantries obviously not wanting to hang up, before Steve laughed and Bucky hung up knowing if he did not Steve would not either.

“So… Got a hot date with Stevie huh?”

Bucky felt bad that he had legitimately forgotten that Natasha was still there, but he felt worse knowing she was now gonna make fun of him forever.

“It’s not a date. Steve and I are just going for lunch on Saturday.”

Smiling wickedly, Natasha leaned on the table cradling her chin in her hands.

“Uh huh, and ‘playing it by ear’ afterwards if I heard correctly. If that ain’t a date then Clint and I haven’t been dating for a couple years now.”

Squirming in his chair, Bucky shrugged.

“Steve didn’t call it a date.”

“And yet I feel like, even having never met this guy, that he’d be a-okay with the idea of it being one.”

“Nat.”

“Bucky.”

Sighing, Bucky looked at the little bit left on his plate and rubbed his palm on his pants leg.

“I don’t think a guy like Steve Rogers would go for a guy like me.”

“Oh?”

Natasha’s tone was obviously a warning one, and Bucky bit the inside of his lip staring down at the bit of Cap he could see under the table.

“I’m not… I mean… Steve’s a smart guy, he’s into art and he’s got a job he loves. I don’t really… I dunno Nat. I don’t really have a future. I’ve got no plans. Steve deserves someone who’s better.”

_Someone who’s whole._

The words were left unsaid, but Natasha knew what he meant, and she slapped her hand down on the table startling him, Cap, and a nearby table who looked at them before quickly looking away when they met Natasha’s piercing gaze.

“Listen here Barnes. So you’re in a bit of a funk. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a future. You’re amazing! _Tony Stark_ noticed how amazing you are! You’re more than enough for Steve Rogers, and more importantly, you’re just downright more than enough. Do I make myself clear?”

Finger jabbing a little painfully into Bucky’s chest, Natasha looked at him fiercely, and it made Bucky fidget.

“Do I make myself clear?”

Swallowing, Bucky nodded his head making sure to look Natasha straight in the face.

“Y-Yeah, I understand.”

Huffing, Natasha leaned back in her chair sizing Bucky up before nodding her head and checking her watch.

“Come on, you’re helping me with my evening classes.”

Taking the final bite on his plate, Bucky nodded his head in understanding. To others it might seem like Natasha was just being bossy, but Bucky knew different. Natasha did not let just anyone help her, and by asking, or really telling him, that he was helping, she was showing him that he was useful, that she trusted him.

In Natasha’s own way she was making sure that Bucky understood that no matter what, he was the same person he had always been. The fact that he had these kinds of people in his life made him beyond grateful. Bucky might not truly be able to believe that he could move forward, but having people who believed in him made him want to try.

“Lead the way.”


	6. Not A Date?

Moving quickly down the street, Bucky could not help but to fidget. Cap continuously looked up at him in worry, and Bucky could only coo at his friend hoping that he calmed down before he reached the restaurant.

Currently, Bucky was running behind schedule, and there was nothing he hated more than being late. If you are on time you are late was one of the mottos he had picked up from his grandfather, and he was for sure running late.

Eight minutes late to be exact.

Turning the corner and nearly running into someone, Bucky apologized profusely before catching sight of the restaurant he was supposed to meet Steve at and taking a deep breath.

The little Thai place was cute. Big enough to have outside seating and a steady flow of regulars, but still small enough that it was never overrun. The outside facade had a huge mural, and it made Bucky smile every time he saw it. He hoped Steve would like the place too. Sam had introduced him to it, and from the sounds of it had never taken Steve.

Scanning the building, Bucky spotted Steve at a table outside and made a beeline to him being careful to look both ways while crossing the street.

“I’m _so_ sorry I’m late. I was going to call you, but then I would’ve been even later. I thought maybe if I hurried, I’d be able to get over before I was late, but obviously that didn’t work out. I dunno, I just, you know, and I-”

“Bucky, take a breath.”

Anxiety peaking, Bucky felt Cap get up on his back legs and apply pressure to his chest. Grounding himself, Bucky took a few deep breaths making sure to look Cap in the eyes and try to center himself again. He was just anxious and adding being late to the mix was making it worse.

Was he already ruining things? He really wished he could keep his shit together for once.

“Your hair looks really nice by the way. What made you decide to cut it?”

Blushing a little and crouching slightly so he could put his face in to Cap’s fur, Bucky took a deep breath before motioning that Cap could get down.

Against his better judgement, Bucky had let Natasha talk him in to getting dressed up for his not date with Steve. After getting the green light on his outfit from Nat, it made him start thinking about his hair again and how long it was getting. If he was going to try this whole moving forward thing, he needed to take better care of himself and stop hiding.

He was kind of regretting no longer having long hair to shield himself from everything around him. The look of glee on his grandmother’s face had been nice though. Even if she did say he looked just like his grandfather back in the day.

“I uh, just, you know. Figured it was time to clean up. Can’t let myself go forever.”

Noticing that he was kind of just hovering above Steve, Bucky took a seat to Steve’s left. He was not quite across from him, but they were both at an angle where they could watch the street and have the building close to their backs.

“Well I like it, it suits ya Buck.”

The two made simple conversation until the waitress came to take their order. Once they no longer had menus to hide behind, Bucky leaned forward a bit looking at Steve with a gentle smile.

“So, you gotta tell me, what made a guy who likes to fight just about everything that moves decide to become an artist?”

Punching him gently in the arm, Steve pretended to be offended, but there was obviously no fire behind his eyes. They immediately started laughing before Steve flopped back into his seat.

“I don’t _like_ to fight. I’d like that to be made abundantly clear.”

“Mmhmm, sure.”

Nodding his head with a smirk, Bucky leaned in his chair so he was angled a little more towards Steve. Steve only rolled his eyes before scoffing.

“I’ve told you before I was really sick as a kid. Well, needless to say, I wasn’t really able to get a lot of exercise. I ended up spending a lot of time stuck in bed with nothing to really do.”

Frowning, Bucky reached out and touched Steve’s hand to comfort him. Steve gave a gentle look in return before turning his hand over so they were loosely holding each other’s hand. Either one of them could pull away at any moment, but they were both content to just stay there.

“There was an art therapy class for the kids on my ward and I absolutely loved it. I was never too sick for art, and I could do it no matter where I was or who I was with. Plus, no one ever said that I was too small or too weak or whatever for art. I mean sure, as I went through school I got the usual asshole punks who wanted to start a fight, but by that point we were fighting over more than just my art.”

Frowning, Bucky tried to imagine Steve in middle school or high school. Smaller than he already was, jaw firmly set as he stuck up for himself and everyone else.

“Please tell me you were class president.”

Steve looked at him confused but laughed.

“Are you kidding me? No way! I got detention too much even though my grades were great. If I remember correctly, my History teacher said I would be a great Captain or leader in something, but my temper and bullheadedness would get me in trouble. She used to call me Teddy Roosevelt in class.”

Mulling it over, Bucky could not help but to smile and squeeze Steve’s hand gently. He could definitely see the correlation.

“I think you’d make a great Captain.”

Cap raised his head and Bucky laughed.

“Not you Cap. Sorry buddy. Lay back down.”

The two of them laughed, and as their food came out, Bucky reluctantly took his hand back.

“What about you?”

Confused, Bucky chewed his Panang curry before swallowing.

“What about me what?”

Steve looked unsure of himself for a moment before he squared his shoulders and looked Bucky in the face.

“What made you want to join the Army?”

Putting his fork down gently, Bucky stopped to really think the question over.

“Y-You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to Buck. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Hey, no, Steve. It’s alright, I don’t mind, you can ask. I’m just trying to think of the answer is all.”

Patting Steve’s hand as he fidgeted, Bucky thought back to what had gone through his mind.

“I think… So I mean, to start with, when I was younger I wanted to work for NASA.”

Steve turned his hand over again, and Bucky was more than happy to hold on. It seemed to comfort them both.

“I used to do Science Fairs and everything.”

“So you were a big ole’ nerd huh.”

Squeezing Steve’s hand and laughing, Bucky nodded his head without a care in the world.

“Absolutely! I was obsessed with Star Trek too. I’d watch it all the time.”

Steve just smiled acting like he was surprised, and Bucky continued with his story.

“My grandfather got sick though, and like… Money was never tight per se, but we weren’t exactly rolling in it.”

Steve nodded his head solemnly and squeezed Bucky’s hand.

“I could get scholarships and everything, but I knew I would still have to borrow money. I also knew that my family would feel obligated to go without to help pay for my school. My younger sister isn’t too far behind me in age, so I dunno. I talked to a friend and he said he was enlisting, and I thought, why the fuck not ya know? If I joined up they’d pay for my schooling, and my folks could use everything they had saved for me on my sister. It was a win-win situation.”

Sighing Bucky nodded his head before looking at Steve with a small smile.

“Rebecca got her degree and works in a laboratory. One of her papers is gonna be published in some fancy journal and they’re sending her to Spain. I don’t regret my decision.”

He meant every word of what he said. If Bucky knew what he knew now about the course of his life, he would still have signed up for the Army. He would have just tried to quit before the accident.

“You’re a great guy James Barnes.”

Looking at Steve in surprise, Bucky blushed and looked away not able to look Steve in the eye.

“Nah, just doing what anyone else would do for their family.”

———————————————————————————————————————

“You’re a cheater James Barnes!”

Howling with laughter, Bucky leaned against the carnival booth with a shit eating grin on his face.

“How am I a cheater Stevie? I literally have one arm. You can’t cheat at a shooting game with one arm. It’s impossible!”

Pointing at the prize he wanted (a cute stuffed bear wearing camouflage), Bucky thanked the carnival worker and watched as Steve got his yo-yo.

“You… You!”

“Yes me.”

Steve was getting red around the neck, and Bucky could not help himself. Stepping into Steve’s space, he wedged the shorter man under his arm while squeezing his stuffed bear under his left armpit.

“Awww don’t be sore. Next time we’ll choose something I wasn’t highly trained in for years.”

Nearly madly cackling, Bucky jostled Steve a bit as he grumbled angrily.

“I’m not talking to you anymore. Go on, get out of here.”

Steve stuck a few fingers into Bucky’s side and wiggled them, and Bucky could not help the giggle that escaped him.

“Hey, rude! I won this for _you_ and this is how you treat me? Can you believe this Cap? Ungrateful. We’re going home. I’m offended.”

Cap pranced at his owner’s good mood, and Bucky pretended to turn away from Steve and walk away.

Going to the art walk had been a fantastic idea. It was small, but the artists were very good, and there was a mini carnival attached to it. Bucky honestly could not remember the last time he had laughed so much. Somehow, he felt younger, freer, and it left him giddy.

“Woah wait! You won that for _me?_ ”

Feeling a tug at his arm, Bucky stopped more than happy to turn and look at Steve with a genuine grin.

“Sure did. Too bad you said you’re not talking to me anymore. Guess I’ll find someone else to give this bear to.”

Weaseling his way under his arm again, Steve looked up at Bucky as if he was an angel. It was a good thing Bucky already knew he was a giant shit.

“I mean, if you won the bear for me it’d be rude of me not to take it.”

Shifting so he got Steve in a headlock, they wrestled with one another laughing the entire time. Everything was good until Cap wanted to join in, and he nearly threw the two men off balance.

“All right, all right. Playtime’s over! If one of you knocks me down, I swear it won’t be pretty.”

Letting go of Steve, Bucky reached for the bear and held it out for Steve to take.

“Fine, truce for now.”

Taking the bear gently, Steve looked it over smiling at the little hat it was wearing.

“So, what’ll you name him?”

Leading them towards where the food stalls were, Bucky glanced at Steve before smiling down at Cap.

“How ‘bout ‘Bucky Bear’?”

Blushing, Bucky quickly looked at Steve expecting him to be joking.

“That’s an _awful_ name for him. Why not something else?”

Going playfully serious, Steve raised his chin in defiance.

“I was playing, but since you think it’s so bad, I feel obligated to keep the name.”

Laughing, Bucky rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“You’re _the_ most contrary person I have ever met. How can you be virtuous _and_ a little shit?”

Scuffling with each other again, it took Steve nearly bumping into a woman with a stroller for the two of them to start behaving like adults again.

“To think, you look like the quiet broody type and yet you’re actually just a big kid.”

Blinking a bit at Steve’s words, Bucky tilted his head in thought.

“Is that… really how I come across? Broody?”

Noticing the shift in Bucky’s mood immediately, Steve bumped up against his side before glancing down at Cap.

“I think broody may have been the wrong choice of words. You’re just… shy? A little withdrawn. Hanging out with you has made it apparent that in actuality you’re just thinking a lot. You’ve got a really bright personality when you let yourself go though.”

Slowing to a halt, Bucky looked at Steve with a little awe. Sometimes he forgot. He forgot that he had not always felt so tired and rundown. He used to feel like this all the time, and it made his stomach twist a little just thinking about it.

“Yeah well…”

Mouth feeling dry, Bucky nervously scratched at his neck looking for something he wanted to snack on.

“It’s easy to just… To kinda just go with the flow with you.”

Steve looked pleased with Bucky’s admission, and Bucky smiled before pointing to a fresh lemonade stand.

“Hey, wanna split a big one? We could get a pretzel too.”

“Sure, I’d like that.”

It took some bickering, but eventually Bucky sat down at a little cafe table with Cap while Steve went to stand in line. They had nearly got into a fistfight on who would pay, but eventually decided that Bucky would get the lemonade and Steve the pretzel.

Bucky was still smiling remembering the scowl on Steve’s face as he called Bucky a nuisance.

“Sarge?”

Sitting up straight, Bucky found himself hyper focusing on his surroundings. Maybe whoever it was was not actually calling for him.

“It is you! Sarge, over here!”

Turning nearly completely around in his chair, Bucky could not help but to smile at who he saw.

“Liz Bryson! How are you?”

Though he had a smile on his face, Bucky could not help how his mind rushed away from him. The evening heat felt like the desert, he swore he could smell gunpowder. He could see… he could see…

“It’s been ages! How are ya Sarge? I got your cards when I was in the hospital. It meant a lot, thanks so much. Oh who’s this doggo? Oh! Sarge you got a service dog? Good on you!”

Standing, Bucky let Liz embrace him and they shared a short but tight hug. Cap continued to lay in his spot under the table, but he wagged his tail quickly when Liz looked at him.

“I’m alright, you know how it goes. Adjusting to civilian life. This is Captain Crunch, just goes by Cap though. You remember how I used to talk about Clint Barton? He convinced me to get a service dog, and well, I’m glad he did.”

Nodding her head, Liz wiggled her fingers at Cap but did not reach out for him.

“I remember Clint! The ex-Olympiad right? Real funny guy. Either way, I’m glad he convinced ya Sarge, it’s good to see you doing well. Actually, sorry to bother, but mind if I sit for a moment? My leg is _killing_ me.”

Suddenly noticing that he was being rude by making them both just stand there, Bucky nodded emphatically.

“Of course Liz, please, sit, I insist. Sorry, I should have thought more about it. How’s your leg?”

He remembered her screaming, god, right in his ear. He remembered how she had begged him to move her, how afraid he had been. Things had been normal that day in the desert, routine even, and then it quickly turned in to hell.

“I’m doing really well actually! Sometimes I still feel it, like it’s actually there, but it’s getting better. I don’t have phantom pain as often as I used to so there’s that.”

Rolling her pants leg up, Liz showed off her prosthesis. Instead of being plain, it was covered in artwork of different flowers. She had always loved flowers, talked about them more than anything else. All of the letters she got from home came on flower stationary. She would make little origami flowers and give them away to brighten people’s day.

There were not many flowers in the sand.

Bucky could not help but remember what he saw that fateful day. All the blood. He thought he was going to lose her. She was here though, he had to stay in the present, she was okay.

“That’s really cool Liz. You and your flowers. You were always talking about them. Did you ever open up that florist shop?”

Absolutely beaming, Liz nodded her head.

“It’s not around here or I’d yell at you for not visiting. I came to the city to visit my cousin for a bit, so that’s why I’m here. Give me a second. I’ll give you my card.”

Bucky watched Liz rummage around in her bag before producing a business card. When he took it, he flipped the card over a few times and smiled.

“You’re something else, that’s fantastic! Your shop might be a bit too far for fresh flowers, but if you still do origami ones I might buy some off of you. I’m really happy for you Liz, you’re living your dream.”

Liz started to blush and fidget, but before she could open her mouth to reply another voice was calling out.

“I got us a big pretzel! The line was ridiculous, sorry it took me so long Buck. Hope I didn’t-”

Smiling, Bucky turned in his seat to look at Steve who was looking between Bucky and Liz unsure.

“Stevie! Liz, this is Steve Rogers, Steve, this is Elizabeth Bryson.”

Steve put the lemonade down on the table and shook Liz’s outstretched hand before he took the last chair at the table sitting close to Bucky.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Liz.”

“The pleasure’s all mine! How long have you and Sarge been dating? I don’t think I’ve seen him light up so much since we saw that meteor shower in the middle of the desert.”

Blushing furiously and leaning forward towards Liz, Bucky opened and closed his mouth unsure where to even start. Steve was just as red, but at least his mouth was closed. Seeming to understand the predicament she had caused; Liz brought her hands up to her mouth.

“Oh! Sorry, sorry, I just… I just assumed. I always do that and I um. Scratch that, I didn’t ask that question. I will say though, Sarge is a great guy. He saved my life. We’re talking about like, multiple times, so I mean. He’s a great catch if you’re interested. Just saying. No pressure. You’d look good together though.”

“Liz please, for the love of god.”

Covering his face out of sheer embarrassment, Bucky turned away from Steve praying that he would sink through the Earth’s crust.

“Shutting up now!”

Yelping, Liz gave a sheepish smile before looking between the two men. Steve looked like his soul had left his body, and Bucky was oscillating between wanting to disappear and wanting to say something, anything, to change the subject.

“So uhhh…. Steve. What is it you do?”

Clearing his throat when a funny noise came out first, Steve blinked looking at Liz properly.

“Oh I uh… I work as an art gallery assistant, but also do work at the VA helping with art therapy.”

Nodding her head, Liz smiled brightly.

“Is that how you two met? Sarge is shit at art, great engineer though.”

Liz stuck her tongue out at him, and Bucky relaxed his shoulders knowing that she was trying to get the conversation on safer ground.

“I’m not shit at art.”

Practically scowling, Liz turned to look at Steve.

“Don’t let him fool you. We’ve played Pictionary together. He’s awful.”

Steve could not help but to burst out laughing.

“No, we met when he helped me while I was being mugged. I didn’t know about the art thing though.”

Liz looked at Steve with genuine concern at his words, but she was not able to get a word out edgewise before her phone started ringing.

“Oh, excuse me.”

Bucky glanced over at Steve while Liz was on the phone, and he was surprised to see Steve already looking at him. Giving a gentle smile, he scratched at his neck unsure what to do.

“Ah, Steve, it was such a pleasure meeting you. I gotta get going though, that was my cousin.”

Standing, Steve and Liz shared a hug before she turned to Bucky.

“Can I steal you for one moment?”

Bucky was confused, but he nodded before turning to give Steve a soft smile and ask him to watch Cap.

“Be back in a moment.”

Liz and Bucky walked a ways off before Liz finally seemed to take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry again about assuming.”

Smiling gently, Bucky shook his head.

“It’s really nothing Liz, honest. I… I do.. I do have _feelings_ for him, but…”

“You haven’t said anything about it?”

Nodding his head, Bucky gave Liz a wan smile.

“I haven’t really come to terms with…”

Raising his left arm, Bucky shrugged before cupping it with his right hand.

“I don’t want to get into anything before I… I’m not really.”

Nodding in understanding, Liz put her hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“You’re a whole person whether you’ve lost an arm or not Sarge. You have to let yourself heal. I heard from Shuri you turned her down.”

Sighing deeply, Bucky felt something in his heart clench. Of course Shuri would tell Liz. Liz and Shuri were like Bucky’s younger sisters, and as much as he worried about them, they worried about him. He remembered the sheer volume of texts and phone calls he used to get from Shuri begging him to let her make him a prosthetic arm.

Bucky could honestly not remember where he had met Shuri, but he remembered immediately being impressed by how intelligent she was. Though she was young, Bucky was willing to bet good money that she was as smart if not smarter than Tony Stark, and she had a fantastic personality to boot. They had bonded over engineering, and Bucky had been more than happy to listen and learn as she taught him things he had never even thought to think of before.

She was, to put it in simple terms, incredible.

“Just… promise me you’ll think it over. You’ll never get your arm back, just like I’ll never get my leg back, but you can’t just… Why make life harder on yourself? It’s already hard enough.”

Bucky’s eyes felt hot, he was almost certain that his eyes might even be going a little red, but he just took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Sometimes I think it’s still there.”

Liz squeezed Bucky’s shoulder nodding along to what he said.

“Trust me, so do I. Before I got used to my new leg I used to try to swing out of bed like always. I can’t tell you how many times I fell out of bed and just laid there crying. Even _now_ I sometimes think I’m going to wake up and have my leg again. It’s a process Sarge.”

Letting her hand fall away from his shoulder, Liz started playing with her fingers.

“When I first got home I was so angry. I mean all the time. How could this happen to me? How was I supposed to be part of society again? I didn’t want people pitying me. I’m not proud to say I got into a few fights, but it never really made me feel better.”

Nodding his head, Bucky bit his lip and worked his jaw. He understood how she felt. The anger, the frustration.

“At first I just thought of my prosthetic as a tool, or like shoes. We’ve got different kinds of shoes we put on for different tasks. I have different prosthetics I can choose to use depending on what task I want to complete. I only recently decided that this _is_ my leg. Maybe it’s not _physically_ part of my body, but I own it, it was made and customized for _me._ ”

Bucky felt like he had been punched in the gut, he had definitely never thought of it that way.

Liz, seeming to see the realization dawning in his eyes, gave Bucky a large watery grin.

“Like I said, just think about it. Call me anytime you want. I just… I don’t want to see you holding yourself back because of a mental block. You’re Sergeant James Barnes! You’ll always be my Sarge, and my Sergeant would never let us wallow. You always pushed us so we could reach our maximum potential, and now it’s my turn to push you.”

It took Bucky a moment, but he easily reached out to give Liz a tight hug. He was still unsure, still scared, but at least he was willing to think about it. That was a huge step forward.

“Now, I really _do_ have to meet up with my cousin but call me sometime. I might not be in the city, but I’m not that far either.”

Nodding his head, Bucky pulled back giving Liz a grateful smile.

“Be careful Liz. Don’t get yourself into trouble.”

Walking backwards a bit, Liz gave a bright smile.

“Me? Trouble? When have I _ever_ been in trouble?”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky just chuckled.

“Go back to your _date_ Sarge. Don’t think I’m not gonna tell Shuri about it.”

Blushing, Bucky shook his head already dreading the call he would probably get later. Liz and Shuri were worse than his own sister.

“Good _bye_ Liz.”

Cackling, Liz walked off and Bucky watched her until she turned a corner and he headed back to Steve feeling a little lighter.

Steve was on his phone when Bucky walked back to the table, but he gave a big smile when Bucky flopped down into his seat a little tired.

“You alright?”

Nodding his head, Bucky reached out to pat Cap on the head a little bit.

“Yeah, Liz is just… she told me some stuff I really needed to hear is all.”

Steve did not say anything, but he offered Bucky some pretzel, and Bucky laughed taking it and relaxing.

“I like her, she seems like a very vibrant person.”

Bucky lit up with all the charisma of an older brother, and soon he was telling Steve about Liz in detail, which lead him to talking about his own sister, and even Shuri.

Maybe he really _should_ consider moving forward with his life.


	7. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to review the warnings on this story. This chapter can be very triggering.

Bucky opened his eyes and tried his best to remember where he was.

“Fuck! Hello?”

There was more and more pressure on his chest, and as he looked around, his world came back in to focus.

“No. _No_!”

Everything was on fire around him.

The Humvee he had been in was tipped on its side and he was trapped. He had had this dream, this nightmare, more times than he could remember. It was always the same. His arm was trapped, the Humvee was flipped, there was fire and blood, so much blood. Trying to take deep breaths, Bucky talked himself through the situation.

“It’s a dream. I just gotta wake up. It’s a dream. This can’t hurt me.”

Feeling an increase in weight on his chest, Bucky coughed as he struggled. He had to escape. There was no way he was going to die out here. He wanted to go home, needed to go home. There was so much blood though, it was covering him. Then the screaming started up. Was it him screaming? Was it someone else? He had no idea, but the sound was _piercing._ The stench was _overwhelming_.

He wanted to live.

He just wanted to live one more day.

When something wet started covering his face, Bucky sputtered fearing it was blood before feeling his body jolt.

Gasping loudly, Bucky grabbed on to Cap’s fur as the dog licked frantically at his face.

“Good boy. Good boy Cap. You’re such a good boy.”

Unable to help himself, Bucky buried his face into Cap’s fur and openly wept. This particular dream had not happened in a few weeks, but the various nightmares he had had the entire week were catching up to him. For a moment he thought he might vomit, but he somehow fought that instinct down. Instead, his body shook and his heart felt like it was trying to escape.

Things had been going well for Bucky, incrementally at least. He had gone on two more not dates with Steve, his mood was improving, and he had even thought about visiting Shuri to talk about a prosthesis.

His life was moving in the right direction, so why was this happening to him? Why had he been having nightmares every night for the past week?

Shakily reaching out for his phone, Bucky faintly paid attention to what he was doing before calling Sam. It was late, Sam would probably be asleep, but Bucky needed someone, anyone to talk to.

He did not… _could not_ , be alone right now.

“Buck?”

Choking slightly on a sob, Bucky cursed his luck.

He had accidentally called Steve.

“Stevie I’m sorry, go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to call you.”

Bucky coughed and sniffled, but he did not take the phone away from his ear. He should hang up, should call Sam like he planned, but god hearing Steve’s voice right now sounded so nice.

“No, I’m not going back to sleep. Bucky are you alright?”

Steve sounded groggy but concerned, and it made a few tears seep from Bucky’s eyes.

“I… I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot.”

Bucky could almost see Steve’s jaw jutting out, and he could not help but to let a wet chuckle slip.

“D-Don’t grind your back teeth Stevie.”

Huffing out a laugh, the sound of bedsheets and blankets shifting told Bucky that Steve was moving before Steve started talking once more.

“I see you’ve got jokes. Buck, I’m coming over.”

Shocked, Bucky shook his head and held on to Cap tightly, the dog more than happy to cuddle into his arms. Steve had been outside Bucky’s apartment building one time as the apartment was on Steve’s walk from an appointment, but he had never been inside before. Bucky was not sure if his apartment was clean enough for company.

“What?! No. Steve it’s alright, I’m alright. Don’t come over.”

“You accidentally called me at-”

There was a pause and then a surprised noise before Steve spoke again.

“Bucky it’s four in the morning! You call me in the middle of the night crying, and you think I’m not going to go to you? Of course I am!”

“Steve…”

Bucky was tired, knew he sounded tired too, and some part of himself wanted to be selfish. Wanted to tell Steve that yes, he did want him to come over, that he _did_ think he would feel better if Steve was here. He wanted to tell Steve the truth, that he thought that maybe, just _maybe_ he would be able to go back to sleep with the smaller man in his apartment.

The feeling made him feel guilty. He felt selfish and weak. So instead of agreeing, Bucky made feeble excuses.

“Steve it’s cold outside, don’t come here. What if you get mugged again? Just stay home, I’ll be alright.”

There was the sound of more shuffling and far off movement before Steve spoke up again.

“Sorry, can’t hear you, you’re talking into my bad ear. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Steve!”

“I’ll be right there.”

Before Bucky could complain anymore, the line went dead and he shakily put the phone back down on his nightstand.

Burying his face into Cap’s fur once more, Bucky sighed deeply trying to forget his dream. He felt a little sweaty, and his skin was itchy, but it was better than the squeezing pressure.

The pressure had been unbearable.

Bucky was far off, his mind sluggish but his body unable to shut down, and so he missed the initial sound of the knock at the door. It took Cap whining for him to come back to himself and quickly scramble off the bed to the door.

“Steve!”

Practically flinging the door open, Bucky looked down at Steve who was breathing relatively hard.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

Steve continued to pant a bit, but instead of answering, he reached up and pulled Bucky down into a tight hug.

“I’m fine. The stairs winded me a bit. I’m more worried about you.”

Surprised, Bucky quickly relaxed into Steve’s embrace, and without a second thought let his face nestle into the crook of Steve’s neck.

“I’m alright.”

Chuckling, Steve used his weight to angle them both into the apartment properly before kicking the door gently shut behind them.

“Maybe now, but you didn’t sound alright before. I was worried about you. You don’t look so good.”

Snorting a bit, Bucky felt his eyes watering and he sighed.

“You trying to say I’m ugly Rogers?”

“I’m trying to say you look tired. Have you been sleeping Buck?”

Shaking his head, Bucky tried his best to hold the tears back, but the dams burst as he sobbed.

“I can’t sleep. I keep seeing… When I close my eyes, I see… It’s too much.”

Nodding his head, Steve let Bucky cry while gently rubbing his back. Cap whined from his position beside Bucky’s feet, and the dog joined in by leaning against Bucky’s legs.

“It’s alright, let it out Buck. I’m here for you, just let it all out.”

For some reason, hearing Steve’s words, feeling the weight of him and Cap, this whole situation…

Bucky was fine one moment, and then his knees were going out from underneath him the next making him drag himself and Steve down to sit on the floor.

“I’m s-sorry.”

Steve only chuckled as he carded his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

“Don’t apologize, just let it out. I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here with you, you’re alright. Everything is okay.”

Hiccupping, Bucky nodded his head before letting himself relax into Steve.

He was unsure how long they stayed like that, Bucky practically in Steve’s lap as Steve held him, but when Steve shifted letting out a slight grunt Bucky came to himself.

“Sorry Steve. I’m a bit heavy, I’ll move.”

Grunting, Steve caught Bucky by the back of the neck and pulled him back in to the hug.

“You’re fine, you don’t have to go anywhere if you’re not ready.”

Sighing deeply, Bucky let the exhaustion wash over him as he slumped into Steve.

He was tired, his whole body fatigued beyond what felt humanly possible, but he was scared to close his eyes.

He did not want to be trapped again.

They stayed like that a few moments more before the chill on Bucky’s back reminded him that he was not wearing a shirt. Suddenly he felt exposed, raw even, but he tried to tamp his anxiety down. Steve either did not notice or did not care about Bucky’s scarring, but Bucky was not sure he could handle pity. Not right now, not from Steve.

“Hey. Hey Buck. Look at me.”

Bucky wanted to disregard Steve’s request, but he found his tired eyes moving against his wishes.

“You’ve gotta rest Buck.”

Fear gripped Bucky, and he shook his head unsure where to even begin.

“You do, you have to get some sleep. You look _exhausted_ Buck. Past exhausted even.”

“I’m _scared_ Stevie.”

Without hesitation Steve cupped Bucky’s face and gave him that ever sure expression. The one that made something inside of Bucky want to stand at attention and wait for a command. Somehow it made him think of Canis Major, of Orion, of the exhibit all those weeks ago. It made him wish he was better, that he could be someone that Steve could be proud of.

It made him want to let all the words he never said spill out between them.

“I know you’re scared. I’ll be right here though alright? I’ll stay right here with you. Come on, let’s get to bed. We can figure this out in the morning.”

Unsure what to say, Bucky took a deep breath and let his head rest more in one of Steve’s hands than the other.

“You’ll stay with me?”

“I’m with you ‘till the end of the line Buck. I won’t leave you by yourself.”

Taking a deep breath, Bucky nodded, and it was worth it to see the gentle smile that broke across Steve’s face.

———————————————————————————————————————

Morning came and Bucky laid in bed with his eyes closed.

There was a pressure on his back and over his ribs, something was warm and curled to his chest.

It made him want to weep, not out of sadness, but out of relief.

His morning prayer was shaky, whispered haltingly under his breath, and Bucky took deep breaths not wanting to go anywhere. Not wanting to let this feeling fade.

The pressure on his back shifted, and the pressure over his ribs turned in to a hand. It was gentle, brushing over a few ribs, and Bucky suddenly wished that he had an appetite, that he would fill out faster. He did not want Steve to worry about him more than he already did.

“M-Mornin’ Stevie.”

There was quiet as Steve’s hand wandered, but when he started to reach a rough patch of scarred skin, Bucky placed his hand over his.

“Mornin’ Buck. How’re you feeling.”

Mulling the question over, Bucky gently let his hand peruse Steve’s.

Steve had small hands, smaller than Bucky’s at least, but his hands were dexterous. Though his knuckles were a little knobby, his fingers were long and delicate. Somehow Bucky felt like he could stay like this all day, maybe all week.

“I…”

Unsure of what to say, how to get across the feelings in his chest without giving away too much, Bucky sighed lacing his fingers with Steve’s.

“You’re not… Disgusted? By… Well I mean… me?”

Opening his eyes, Bucky found that the weight on his chest was Cap curled close to him, and he wished his could pet his buddy. He refused to let go of Steve’s hand though.

“There’s nothing to be disgusted by.”

Steve sounded so sure, so unyielding, and it made Bucky lose his breath.

“I… but. My scars, my _arm_.”

“They’re all you Buck. I wouldn’t change you for the world.”

Blinking away the tears at his tired eyes, Bucky brought Steve’s hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles.

“I… For the world? That’s awfully sappy.”

Scoffing out a laugh, Steve leaned harder against Bucky’s back and moved his hand so it was covering Bucky’s heart.

“Maybe so. There a problem with that?”

Smiling, Bucky shook his head.

“Nah, don’t think so.”

The two of them laid there in silence, just relaxing, when Bucky felt himself fidget.

“What is it?”

Steve, ever sure, squeezed Bucky’s hand, and Bucky shifted.

“Do you want to know? I mean… what happened.”

There was silence as Steve thought the question over, and he took a deep breath before answering.

“Honestly? Yes, I’d like to know, but only if you actually want to tell me. I don’t want you to think you _have_ to. I could go the rest of my life not knowing.”

Feeling his heart swell, Bucky nodded his head looking first at Cap, and then the wall of his bedroom. It took him a few moments, but once he came to a decision, Bucky let go of Steve’s hand and rolled over.

Steve was a sight to behold, all golden hair in the morning sunlight. His eyes, that confusing shade of blue with just enough green to make Bucky question, were trained on Bucky’s face, and his lips were pulled into a gentle smile.

Being this close made Bucky notice that Steve’s nose was straight, but the tip was slightly crooked. He had freckles and moles that were not as noticeable further away, and it made Buck smile to be close enough to notice them.

Why were Steve’s eyelashes so _long_ for? Bucky just wanted to lay here and stare forever, there was a possibility he might do just that if his brain did not catch up to him and his mood dipped slightly.

“I was on a mission, it was supposed to be simple.”

Frowning, Bucky recalled the day that changed his life. The moon had been bright overhead, the heat of the desert exchanged for the chill of night. His gear was heavy, suffocating, but it kept him alive, kept his unit alive, he just wanted everyone to make it home safe.

“I… Things went south quickly. Our Humvee took fire.”

Zoning out, Bucky reached out reflexively and let his fingers card through Steve’s hair.

“We tried to turn things around, we thought we were getting the upper hand. We hit an IED and…”

Eyes closing, Bucky let his hand ghost down to rest at Steve’s hip remembering the safety and calm he had woken up to not that long ago. He was at home, Steve was here with him, he was not in the desert anymore.

“Donaldson and Park got thrown. Clark was shot. I got… I was pinned. Macintosh.”

Taking a deep breath Bucky closed his eyes and let his thumb press in to Steve’s hip.

“She didn’t make it, hit by shrapnel. She was bleeding _everywhere._ All over me, and I couldn’t escape. I was wedged in, I don’t… I don’t even remember what was wedged into my chest. I was just screaming, I was in so much pain, and a fire had broken out.”

Nodding his head, Bucky let go of Steve’s hip and instead wrapped him in a hug.

“I was in and out of consciousness. I don’t have any definite memories again until I woke up in the hospital. My left arm was gone by then. Doctor told me I got what’s called a trans-humeral amputation. Said they tried to save the rest of the arm, but everything below the elbow just wasn’t salvageable.”

Steve held Bucky as he spoke and stroked the back of his neck when Bucky stopped.

“Thank you for telling me Bucky. I know it had to be hard for you, is _still_ hard for you to talk about.”

Nodding his head, Bucky sighed. He could remember being in the hospital, being practically catatonic. He did not talk for weeks. People sent him cards and he left them unread. There were smiling faces and well wishes and still he could not speak. Time passed so slowly, and when he got home everything stopped.

He had tried to make it all stop.

Gripping on to Steve, Bucky let out a shaky breath.

“If… If I tell you something… Something _bad._ Will you…”

“End of the line Buck, remember?”

“I’m with you ‘till the end of the line. Yeah, I remember.”

Breathing deeply, Bucky tried to commit this moment to memory, tried to remember his first glimpse of Steve when he turned and looked at him in the morning sun.

“I… tried.”

Mouth going dry, Bucky’s tongue wet his lips.

“I tried. One night, when things were low. I wanted to… I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to be… I wanted to just rest. I wanted to sleep.”

Tears bubbling up, Bucky huddled up to Steve and put his face in his neck beginning to weep.

“I was okay, I ended up being okay, but… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that, and yet… Sometimes I wish I had’ve been able to just… to just _do_ it. To just _disappear._ ”

Breath catching on a sob, Bucky sniffed and held Steve tightly. In return, Steve tried his best to soothe Bucky by murmuring reassurances and petting him gently. They stayed like that until Bucky was out of tears, and they continued to lay there in silence.

“Do you… Have you felt like… l-like _disappearing_ lately?”

Shaking his head, Bucky leaned back so they could look into each other’s eyes, so Steve could see how sincere he was.

“No, promise I haven’t, not in a while. I’ve had… I’ve had low days, but nothing like that.”

Nodding his head, Steve ran his hands over Bucky’s face trying his best to wipe away the tears.

“Alright. Just… Just promise me you’ll talk to someone, anyone, if you ever feel like that again. Me, Sam, hell, even Tony, just _somebody_ alright?”

Nodding his head in exhaustion, Bucky gave a murmured promise before closing his eyes.

“How about a nap huh? You look like you could use some extra sleep. I’ll make us something to eat when you get up again.”

“Thank you Stevie.”

“Of course, anytime.”

Opening his eyes blearily, Bucky looked at Steve properly before cupping his face.

“I mean it, _thank you_ Stevie.”

Steve looked surprised, shocked even, but his features melted and he nodded his head molding his body into Bucky’s like he belonged there, like it was made for him.

Bucky was quick to nod off, images of constellations moving behind his eyelids.

———————————————————————————————————————

From that day forward things just… clicked together.

_“Where’s your boyfriend?”_

_“Aren’t you missing your plus one?”_

_“Oh, I was expecting Rogers to come with you. Where is he? He told me he might join me for yoga.”_

_“Where’s Steve? I want him to help me kick your ass at charades.”_

They were not together, Bucky had not asked, and Steve never pushed, but everyone just assumed they were. Bucky was slowly coming to accept himself the way he was, was opening up, he needed more time before he was ready to take the leap.

He wanted to make sure he was secure in his own skin before he asked Steve out.

Granted it was easy for everyone to assume he and Steve were already dating since they were practically inseparable, but Steve did not seem to mind, so Bucky did not either. That being said though, Bucky got flak from as sides, Clint, Natasha, Sam, even Tony Stark!

Oh boy, Tony Stark… That had been a weird conversation.

_“Yo, Bucky boy, how’s it going?”_

_“Uhm… how did you get my phone number.”_

_“Your boyfriend. Now, aren’t you gonna ask me more important questions? Like why an incredibly important and handsome billionaire is calling you?”_

_“I don’t have a boyfriend.”_

_“What?”_

_Bucky had fiddled with the edge of his shirt as he sat on his couch lazily._

_“I… don’t have a boyfriend?”_

_“You… You mean to tell me you and Rogers aren’t going steady? What?”_

_Blushing, Bucky took a deep breath._

_“Did he tell you we were?”_

_“Well… No, but it’s pretty obvious. One could easily_ assume _you two are.”_

_“You know what they say about assumptions.”_

_“Yadda yadda fish and the big blue sea. Listen, as I was saying, aren’t you curious as to why it is I’m calling you?”_

_Something deep down in Bucky wanted to tell Tony no just to frustrate the other man, but he really was curious._

_“I mean, yeah, I am.”_

_“Jesus, you really aren’t a lot of fun my dude. Get_ excited! _Get_ pumped! _”_

_“Get to the point.”_

_Scoffing, Tony gave a surprised laugh._

_“You know, somehow, I like you Barnes. You’re a funny guy. Anyways, I wanted to know if you wanted to join the Science and Engineering Partnership for Wounded Veterans? I didn’t forget that rover, I was pretty impressed. We could use a guy like you around.”_

_Shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat, Bucky motioned Cap over and the dog eagerly sat in his lap._

_“I… I dunno Tony. I don’t think I’d be much use. I’ve… I mean you’ve seen me. I’ve only got one good arm.”_

_A sigh of frustration came, and Bucky could practically see Tony rolling his eyes over the line._

_“I don’t care if you’ve got one arm. You could have no arms, or five arms, who cares? I’m asking if you wanna join up with this or not, not the number of arms you have.”_

_Surprised, Bucky blinked frozen in place._

_“H-How in the hell am I supposed to help out Stark?”_

_There was no malice behind Bucky’s words, but he really had no idea why Tony was pushing for this so much._

_“If you don’t want to build, you can just design. If you_ do _want to build, when can provide you with assistance. Just think it over, you can tell me your decision over the lunch we’re having next Thursday, how about that?”_

_Confused, Bucky’s brows furrowed._

_“Since when were we having lunch together next Thursday?”_

_“Captain Short Stack’ll update you. I gotta go, busy man after all. Bye Bucky.”_

_Before Bucky even had a chance to reply the line went dead leaving Bucky beyond confused._

Now that Thursday was here, Bucky found himself fidgeting with Cap’s leash as he stared at the posh restaurant in front of him.

“Hey Buck! Why didn’t you just go in? You didn’t have to wait on us.”

Immediately relaxing, Bucky smiled at Steve and Sam as they approached.

“Dude this restaurant costs more than my life. I’m not going in there alone. They’d take one look at me and throw me straight back out.”

Rolling his eyes and scoffing, Sam shook his head.

“This place _is_ expensive, but there’s no way they’d throw you out. We’ve got a reservation dude.”

Shrugging, Bucky motioned towards himself with the blank face he knew annoyed Sam to no end.

“Yeah, well, tell that to my anxiety.”

“I swear to-”

“Alright children, inside, everybody inside.”

Steve was wearing an absolutely shit eating grin as he pushed Sam and Bucky towards the restaurant, and Bucky quickly winked at him before Sam started bickering.

———————————————————————————————————————

“Don’t worry, we can order. Tony would be late to his own funeral.”

The three men had been waiting for fifteen minutes, and though the conversation flowed easily enough, Bucky felt kind of weird ordering without Tony there. That being said though, if Sam and Steve thought it was okay, surely it would be fine.

“I resent that! It might be true, but I refuse to call it being late. I’m just arriving on my own schedule.”

“Which is late.”

Deadpanning his delivery, Steve and Bucky laughed at what Sam said as Tony gaped like a fish.

“I can’t _believe_ you. I’m leaving. How could you?”

“Sit down your majesty. We’ve only got so long for lunch ya know.”

Rolling his eyes, Tony took his seat huffing.

“Rude. The thanks I get for taking you chumps out for lunch.”

Conversation flowed easily, and Bucky found himself smiling the whole time. He had been feeling so light lately, like a weight had been lifted off his chest, and it made him want to take a deep breath.

“So, have you thought my offer over Sergeant Killjoy?”

“Since when am I Sergeant Killjoy? I’m a ray of fucking sunshine.”

Saying it with the most neutral face he could muster, Bucky watched as the table broke out into raucous laughter, and he was soon joining in.

“I take it back, you’re more fun than Sam. My apologies.”

“Hey!”

“No take-backsies. Anyways, you can’t deflect me, what’s the decision?”

Bucky bit his lip and sighed letting his eyeline sink down to Cap. He really had been thinking it over for the past week, had even talked about it with his grandmother and with Steve. Hell he had fallen _asleep_ talking about it with Steve just the night before. It should be a no-brainer decision, but he still felt uncertain.

“I… I really don’t know why you want me of all people.”

Groaning, Tony rolled his eyes and shoved a bit of his steak in his mouth. Continuing before tony could say something snarky, Bucky shrugged looking at Steve for moral support.

“The answer’s yes. I-I think this could be good for me. I gotta be able to bring Cap along though, that’s like a major stipulation.”

Steve smiled at Bucky’s words, and Bucky could not help but to smile in return. Waving his hand, Tony just huffed.

“You could bring an alpaca with you, I don’t care. That being said, I’m glad you decided to join. I’ll have Pepper email you. We can set up a time to sign paperwork.”

Letting out a sigh and smiling, Bucky looked away from Steve and smiled at Tony.

“Sure, sounds good. I can’t do next Wednesday though, I’ve got an appointment.”

Just like that, and without any fuss or muss, Bucky found his life changing again. There was a part of him, the part that whispered dark things in his ear when the night pushed in on him, that told him there was no way he could do this, but he just shook his head.

He could do this, he was _ready_ to do this.

It was time for him to start living again.


	8. New Beginnings

Standing in front of the relatively nondescript building, Bucky checked his phone out of nervousness. Technically he had enough time for one more pace around the building. He still had a good twenty minutes until he had to go inside.

“Maybe just.. Just once more, couldn’t hurt.”

Looking away from Cap, Bucky was just about to walk off when his phone started ringing.

“I can literally see you.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky sighed figuring he should have expected Shuri to call him.

“Yeah? Well congratulations, you’ve officially got good eyesight.”

“Where are you going?”

“I just…I forgot something at-”

“No you didn’t. Just get in here. You’re waffling.”

“I’m _not_ waffling.”

“You _are._ You’re worse than my brother. Get in here Sarge. This is gonna take a couple hours. The sooner we get started the better.”

Shuri hung up before he could reply, and Bucky sighed putting his phone in to his pocket.

Today was finally the day.

He was finally going to get his own myoelectric prosthesis.

Shuri had visited him a few times at home over the past two weeks, and she had taken all kinds of measurements. Bucky had been nervous, unsure if he was really ready for this, but Shuri had just given him her encouraging smile and patted him far too hard on the back.

_“Why are you doing this again?”_

It was a straightforward question, but it had so many answers.

He wanted to do it so he could work. He wanted to do it to make his family proud. He wanted to do it to make Liz proud, to show her she was not alone. He wanted to show his friends that he was ready to move on. He wanted to see the look of excitement on Steve’s face when he found out.

Most importantly though… he wanted to do it for himself.

Bucky still had his worries, still had his low days and his demons, but he was willing for the first time in a very, very long time to say that he was worth it.

Even without his original left arm, he was still a person. He was a whole person, and the loss of a limb did not make him any less of one. He deserved to move forward, he _deserved_ to live his life to the fullest extent.

Making his way up to the lab room, Bucky knocked on the door and was greeted by a smiling Shuri who immediately brought him into a hug.

“I’m really glad you decided to do this. You didn’t have to, but deciding to do it took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you dude.”

Smiling, Bucky took a deep breath and let it out slowly trying to calm himself down.

“I’m still nervous, but for once in a long time I don’t feel like backing down.”

Clapping him on the back, Shuri led him into the room, closing the door behind them.

“There’s a dog bed in the corner that Cap can lay on. You can go ahead and unclip him.”

Taking her suggestion, Bucky unclipped Cap from his leash and loved on him for a moment before his eyes caught sight of what was waiting for him on one of the worktables.

“Is that?”

Standing a little unsteadily, Bucky walked over to the table on autopilot.

“Yep, she’s all yours. Hope you like the color scheme. I was asking you all those questions for a reason you know.”

Shuri had been incredibly detailed with her questions, asking him everything from silly questions like if he wanted a specific color, to important questions like what kind of materials he would want. He never expected such a lifelike prosthetic though, not in a million years.

Even if it _was_ Shuri who was making it.

“When you’re ready we can get started.”

Looking at Shuri in trepidation, Bucky scratched at his chest.

“It’s uh… it’s not gonna _hurt_ is it?”

Shaking her head, Shuri shook her head.

“No, it won’t hurt at all. It’s gonna take awhile to get things calibrated, but after that we’re gonna spend most of our time going through some basic maneuvering. You have to understand that you won’t get everything right off the bat, but with practice and patience this prosthetic is gonna allow you to have quite a bit of mobility.”

Running his hand over the palm of the prosthesis, Bucky marveled at the feel. The little plates that made up the arm were smooth to the touch, not a single one seeming like it would pinch or snag on anything. The whole thing was cold to the touch, but not uncomfortably so.

This was his arm. He was about to have a left arm again.

“Alright… Yeah, I think I’m ready.”

Smiling, Shuri motioned Bucky to a chair and he sat nervously.

“Great! Take off your hoodie please. I need you down to your undershirt. Now, remember, if at any point you need to take a moment just tell me know okay? We can stop at any point if it’s overwhelming.”

Nodding his head, Bucky took off his hoodie and waited for instructions.

The set up took a little while, Shuri had to retrieve a secondary sleeve that she made to put over his arm when the first did not fit quite right, but everything was relatively stress free. Shuri made sure to inform Bucky about every little thing that went in to his arm as she worked.

They both knew the more his attention was put on to something else, the less he would panic.

“Alright, the moment of truth. Go ahead and try moving your arm.”

Clamming up, Bucky looked at Shuri with trepidation and she just continued to give him an even smile, her hand going to Bucky’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s alright. Take a deep breath. Why are you doing this again?”

Breathing in deeply through his nose and out his through his mouth, Bucky thought about all the reasons why. He thought about all the things he wanted to do. All the things he had not been able to do. All the things he _could_ do if he just got over this mental stumbling block.

“Take your time, there’s no rush.”

Nodding his head, Bucky closed his eyes and tried to remind himself that everything would be okay. He was not imagining things, this was not his phantom limb syndrome acting up. When he opened his eyes, he would _really_ have an arm, a hand, and fingers.

Opening his eyes slowly, Bucky glanced at Shuri who was giving him an encouraging smile before he looked down at the hand once more.

“Alright…”

Flexing his arm, Bucky watched in absolute awe as the hand moved.

“Holy shit.”

Flexing differently, he watched the fingers curl and his eyes began to water.

“Holy shit!”

Smiling brightly, Shuri clapped in excitement.

“Congrats James, you’re one step closer to your goal.”

Without any inhibitions, Bucky began to openly weep.

“There there, it’s alright. It’s okay.”

“Thank you Shuri, thank you _so_ much.”

Shuri was more than happy to go in for a tight hug, and Bucky continued to cry his eyes out.

“It’s my pleasure Sarge. You deserve it. You really do. We all love you a lot.”

Shuri was not joking about taking a few hours to go over the mechanics and working of Bucky’s arm. That being said, even by the time they decided to call it a day, Bucky was still struggling a bit with his arm. Somehow he was not frustrated though, even when he accidentally crushed the ping pong ball they were using, he just laughed like an idiot.

He was beyond ecstatic.

“Okay, so I’ve got dinner plans with my brother, but if you need me at _any_ point or time you can call or text me okay?”

Nodding his head with the brightest smile, Bucky took a deep breath and gave a relieved sigh.

“We still on for lunch tomorrow?”

Rolling her eyes and looking at Bucky like he was stupid, Shuri gave him a tight hug.

“Of course we are. I want to see you every day for at least a couple weeks so we can work on your fine motor skills. We’ll be seeing a _lot_ of each other for a little while.”

“That sounds alright to me. Maybe you can tell me about this young man I’ve heard you’re talking to.”

Looking horrified, Shuri pulled away pointing at Bucky with surprise.

“I.. I’m not. W-What?”

“Liz, little sister… Liz told me. I might not be your brother, but I still think I’d like to meet this guy. Make sure he’s on the up and up.”

Groaning loudly, Shuri covered her face with her hands.

“Oh my god nooooo. This is the worst. I have the worst friends. I’m not talking to you about anything. What about you and Steve huh? You can’t say anything about me considering the situation _you_ guys are in.”

Smile melting into something tender, Bucky just shrugged.

“Yeah well… I’m thinking of doing something about that situation so…”

Blinking in surprise, Shuri was frozen for a moment before she nearly started screaming.

“Woah what? What?! Seriously? You’re gonna finally do it??”

Grabbing his stuff and clipping Cap to his leash, Bucky just smiled.

“I figure it’s about time to stop pussyfooting around it don’t you think?”

Shuri jumped into Bucky’s arms laughing, and the two shared a tight hug before he put her down.

“Go get ‘im Sarge. I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

“I sure hope so.”

Making sure he had all of his stuff, Bucky took a deep breath and headed out of the building, pulling his phone out as he went.

“Hey Stevie! Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, have you eaten yet? Wanna get Mexican and watch some tv with me? I’ll pick it up and we can hang at mine or yours, whatever you want. Alright, just give me your order.”

———————————————————————————————————————

Fidgeting, Bucky looked down at Cap hoping for some moral support.

“What do you think bud? Should I go through with it? What if I ruin what we have? What if Steve doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore?”

Cap woofed and moved in the direction of Steve’s apartment, but Bucky felt his legs go numb.

“I don’t know if I can do this bud.”

Trotting over to Bucky, Cap leaned heavily against his leg looking up in to Bucky’s eyes before looking at Steve’s apartment building.

“I guess I gotta do _something_. Standing out here isn’t really gonna solve my problems is it?”

Woofing in agreement, Cap stood ready to move and Bucky just laughed.

“Wish me luck buddy, this might end in a lot of raw cookie dough.”

Buzzing into the building, Bucky walked down the long hallway and took a deep breath before knocking on Steves door.

“Come in!”

Opening the door and stepping through, Bucky put the food on Steve’s table before unclipping Cap and looking around. Cap went to the couch and made himself comfortable quickly, and Bucky could not help but to shake his head and chuckle.

“You’re so spoiled.”

Looking away from Cap and around the living room, Bucky called out for Steve, surprised that he was loitering wherever he was.

“Steve? Where are you?”

“Sorry Buck, you caught me right in the middle of folding laundry, you can come back here if you want.”

Following Steve’s voice to his bedroom, Bucky stood with his left shoulder leaning against the door frame so Steve could not see his new prosthesis.

The sun was going down, the light almost too bright, and Bucky’s mind was immediately taken back to a few weeks prior waking up to Steve beside him in his bed. Of watching the morning sun brighten Steve’s locks to spun gold.

Bucky reminisced about all the smiles they had shared, all of the quiet conversations, all the silly bickering. He thought of all that had happened and all that _could_ happen, and he felt his breath leave him as if he had been punched.

“Hey Stevie.”

Voice a little strangled, Bucky watched as Steve immediately looked up from folding one of his shirts with a somewhat concerned look on his face.

“Yeah Buck.”

“You uh… You remember Orion?”

Where the hell was he going with this? He had already messed up!

Steve looked confused, his eyebrows furrowing, before he set his shirt aside with the rest of his folded laundry.

“The constellation? Course I do Buck. What about it?”

Biting his lip, Bucky’s fingers fiddled with the front of his shirt.

“I uh. Well… I mean.. Ahem. What I mean to say is, well, do you remember when I said _you_ were like Orion?”

Steve went a little pink around the collar, and Bucky felt his hopes rising.

“I… yeah. Buck… Are you trying to get at something?”

Taking a deep breath and holding on to it for a moment, Bucky let it out slowly and gave a soft smile to Steve.

“I uh… Yeah I kinda am. I’m not much good at it though.”

Chuckling, Steve clasped his hands together looking a tad nervous.

“Well I’m all ears Buck, take your time.”

Gripping at the front of his shirt, Bucky tried to keep himself from shaking. In for a penny, in for a pound, he had to just spit it out.

There was no way he could chicken out now.

“I was wondering… I mean. If… You know. E-Everyone says it already but… If it’s alright with you…”

“James Buchanan Barnes.”

Steve gave Bucky the steady look that Bucky knew meant he should take a deep breath, and he could only chuckle, shaking his head and taking the suggestion.

“Would you consider being my boyfriend? I know everyone already thinks we are but… I wanted to ask for real. Should’ve asked ages ago really.”

Steve, on his part, looked stunned, and as the moments ticked away Bucky felt more and more like maybe he should take it back.

“I uh, it’s alright Steve, you don’t have to say anything. Sorry I-”

“No!”

Standing quickly and startling Bucky, Steve knocked over a pile of socks on accident and they tumbled to the floor.

“I mean… No, don’t apologize… No, I’m just… you just… surprised me.”

Chuckling, Bucky scratched his neck.

“Like a good surprise?”

Smiling gently, Steve stepped closer.

“Like the _best_ surprise.”

Smile going a bit shy, Steve played with the buttons on the front of his shirt before looking Bucky in the face.

“You uh… You really mean it?”

“I’d never lie about something like this.”

Bucky barely let the words leave Steve’s mouth before he replied. There was no way he would let Steve think for even a single moment that he was not completely sincere.

“I think…I’m pretty sure… You might have already had me the moment you got mad and called me GI Joe.”

Caught off guard, Steve blinked and those blue green eyes registered mirth before Steve burst out laughing.

“God! I… I did, didn’t I? Wasn’t that when we first met?”

Shrugging, Bucky just blushed looking at the floor.

“Maybe…”

Steve let out a few more chuckles before Bucky glanced at him from under his eyelashes.

“So, uh… You never actually answered me ya know? Just uh… no pressure or anything if you wanna think on it or something but I just figured…”

“James Buchanan Barnes.”

Steve was too close, absolutely too close even though he was at least an arms length away, and Bucky oscillated between wanting him closer and wanting him farther away.

“It’d be my pleasure to be your boyfriend.”

Immediately breaking out into a grin, Bucky raised his head to look into Steve’s face properly.

“Ya mean it?”

Laughing, Steve rolled his eyes before tentatively walking into Bucky’s personal space.

“I said to the end of the line didn’t I? I was never gonna push you into anything you might not be ready for, but I definitely needed you to know that I was there, that I’m here, that I’ll always be here for you no matter what.”

Choking up, Bucky brought his hand up to Steve’s face brushing his thumb across Steve’s cheek.

“I made you wait for a while, didn’t I?”

Steve only smiled up at Bucky without a single shred of regret on his face.

“I’d wait for however long it took Buck.”

Leaning forward tentatively, Bucky looked for any kind of signal that this was not what Steve wanted and he smiled when Steve met him halfway.

Kissing Steve felt like coming home in the best way possible.

Somehow he felt like he had done this a million times, that they were meant to find one another. The familiarity made it no less magical though, only more comfortable. There was no fumbling, no awkward shuffle for dominance, just the two of them and the love they shared between each other.

“Mmm, Buck, what is...”

Pulling away slightly, Steve looked down and froze. In turn, Bucky froze as he looked at his left arm and the prosthesis that was settled gently on Steve’s hip. Somehow Bucky felt like acquiring his new arm had occurred days ago, but it had only been a couple of hours at the most.

“I uh, I guess the new hand works better than expected.”

Huffing out a nervous laugh, Bucky could not help but be distracted by his left hand. He did not have any feeling in it, but god, he had one. He had moved it without even thinking as if it was natural. As if it was normal.

It _was_ normal.

“Oh! Buck _congratulations_. I… I had no idea you were going to… I would’ve…”

“I didn’t tell anyone.”

Cutting Steve off, Bucky felt a giddy joy welling up in his chest.

“I mean… Well, Shuri knows of course, she’s the one who designed it, but I… I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Steve could not help but to smile, his hand going up to Bucky’s cheek.

“Well I’m _definitely_ surprised. Congrats Buck, I’m happy for you.”

Steve gave Bucky plenty of time to pull away if he wanted, but Bucky repaid the favor and met Steve in the middle for a kiss.

Smiling, Bucky chuckled into the kiss and Steve pulled away.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just. I’m happy is all. I’ve still got a lot to learn, a lot of growing to do, but things are gonna be alright. I’ve already got all kinds of plans.”

Taking a deep breath, Steve smiled brightly as well and nodded his head.

“Yeah, I think things’ll be just fine.”

Patting Bucky’s chest, Steve took a moment to relax before he motioned with his chin to the living room.

“How about we eat? You can tell me all about your plans over dinner.”

Beyond pleased, Bucky brought Steve in for a hug and was mindful not to squeeze him too hard.

“Yeah, sounds like a plan Stevie.”

Nothing would be perfect, nothing ever was, but Bucky could only smile. He was positive he would continue to have low days, to have his anxiety and his flashbacks, but he had a network of people who cared for him.

He was not in this alone.

Especially not when he had Steve Rogers by his side.

“Why’re you looking at me like that Buck?”

“I ever tell you you’re kind of like a bulldog when you’re mad?”

“We have been dating for less than five minutes and I will stop dating you right now.”

Bursting out into raucous laughter, Bucky slung his right arm around Steve’s neck gently bringing the smaller man into his side.

“Awww, Stevie! Don’t be mad at me, you’ll get wrinkles if you let your forehead stay like that.”

Without a second thought, Steve elbowed Bucky right in the side, making Bucky lose his breath. The two broke out into laughter a moment later teasing each other all the way into the living room.

Yeah, everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
